Tag Archives: women

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Mother Earth

Today I laid arms spread wide as if I was hugging the earth.

I was supposed to be doing yoga, but half way through a posture I found myself hugging the earth.

Something inside of me deeply needed this.

And as I lay holding on to this beautiful mass we walk on every day, I felt my body melting. My mind completely still I felt it, I felt the beat of the earth.

It was at that moment, my belief in Mother Earth was greatly deepened, it was as if she was hugging back.

Mother Earth has been my support she has felt every heartbreak of every living soul, she has  witnessed every birth and will all over her cores energy, she holds us down.

Today, I lay on the ground, hugging the earth and I swear I felt Mother Earths heartbeat.

Today I became more of a human than I have ever been in my life.

Today I know, I am me.

Thank you, Mother Earth.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

The best day of my life

The best day of my life was the day I was adopted. Sometimes, I think deeply to myself and reflect on how extremely lucky I am. Of course, my thinking on this was not always this way and it took me much work to understand the magnitude of gratitude I could hold for this simple act.

Around the age of 13, I really started to wonder what it would be like if my parents did not adopt me. I just did not want to be at home, I thought my birth parents had a fairytale life, much better for me. Many 13-year-olds go through this stage, especially if there are other conflicts in the home, however for adopted children this can be magnified on a much larger scale. There are actually two real people out there with actual lives. Luckily for me, my parents had always allowed me to have contact with them which helped me to understand this home is my home. I knew my birth mother was not able to keep me because she was in school, but it angered me that she had a child a year and a half after. It was a hard pill to swallow and I questioned if it was because I was brown.

I then went to college and completely understood that what she is probably the hardest thing college student could do. I even spoke to my birthmother about this when I was in college. I asked her what I should do. She told she had six abortions before having me. My life may haven’t been, I am grateful. I then put myself in her shoes, a 23-year-old, living on their own, studying and constantly surrounded by partying. She carried me for 9 months with her head held high. She was not married, she was not dating the father of the child and she was going to school. I couldn’t imagine myself doing this, life is precious.

I couldn’t imagine myself doing what she did, life is precious. She deeply knew that and honored the world by bringing me into life.

I healed experiencing college and being able to put myself in her shoes.

I heal every day I look around me surrounded by the beauty of life.

I heal when I look at my life and see all the accomplishments, places, and opportunities that have been presented to me.

I heal knowing that I have defied many odds.

We as humans are not perfect, but we have the ability to heal.

Its all perspective​.

No Bohns About It

Go for a walk

The other day at yoga school, I decided to go outside and take a walk in the beautiful sunshine. I passed by this home when I saw this beautiful bed of flowers, my heart flourished. As I admired the flowers, I heard birds signing and children playing. It had been so long that I had walked alone, without distraction of my phone, friends or thoughts that I found this clarity.

My heart smiled at me. I truly had missed this.

This is life.

When I returned to the studio, it was difficult for another student to imagine a day with out television. To me an hour of television is an hour of not thinking.

I thought, this is dieing.

My heart cringed for his, thinking of the happiness the outdoors could bring him.

Someday, it will happen.1.jpg

Nervousness.

It has been a belief of mine that nerves are disguised as excitement. Before competing, before interviews, before anything I am anticipating: EXCITEMENT. This is what I tell myself,  I never think of failure. It has never been an option. See there is no failing, only an opportunity to learn. But lately, this isn’t true. I am scared shitless, I am nervous.

See, I have spent the past 9 months living in San Francisco, close to my family & surrounded by people I truly have made deep connections with. Finally, I am surrounding myself with wonderful people who foster beauty in every aspect of my life. There are so many wonderful people that want to be friends with me!

So everything I have been building, my strong wholesome root. My career, my family, my friends; will all change if I am to go to graduate school at Naropa. This scares me, my root chakra feels as if it will break. I take each moment I have here with great gratitude, hoping to make the most out of each moment.

I am nervous, my interview for Naropa is next Saturday. I really can’t remember my essay, what transformation is or what mindfulness really truly means. For the first time, I am going to be questioned about my knowledge of Mindful thinking in a professional environment. I will be tasked with talking to other peers about my knowledge of Mindfulness. I have never done this before. I am nervous because I don’t know what will happen.

As I write this, I sit here and thinking  I shoudl be excited. I am excited, excited for a new endeavor. A chance to learn, a chance to grow, a chance to pursue a dream.

If I continue to live my life with love and embody my intention, when I leave to pursue my true intention, I will feel no qualms. It will be fine, becuase I will be where I need to be.

 

 

DOING yoga or PRACTICING yoga?

Lately, I have been doing a lot of studying around Buddhism, mindfulness, and  yoga. Yes, people say all the time “I am a yogi”. I am sure you yoga a lot, but are you a practitioner of yoga? As someone who did a lot of yoga at one point in my life and still do, I was DOING yoga I was not practicing it. There is a difference here. Doing yoga, you are going through the movements, you are being mindful of your movements and you are moving your body. Usually, your life will change in some way or another. You will feel healthier, be more relaxed and love a little more.

If you are to practice yoga, it encompasses your entire life. You core values will shift as you learn the niyamas and yamas more deeply. Your outlook on parts of the world will change as you understanding the makeup of kosha’s. And finally intimately exploring ourself and others through the chakras (coming from a psychology background, I love this).  This to me is practicing yoga. Making it not just a workout but a way of life and belief system.

We can all DO yoga and it’s great if you do, just one mindful moment can have great ripples throughout the universe. But to make yoga a practice, a lifestyle is truly an awesome transformation that could lead to greater good in your life. I think any strong practice, whether it’s yoga, smoking, running, heavy drinking, dancing, cussing or reading the bible, can all give your life a jolt, good-bad, positive-not positive, devoted practice will change your life and lifestyle.

I chose to live devoutly mindfully, to practice yoga all day every day, that’s pretty cool to me.

How far did the apple roll from the tree?

It rolled as far as it could

Then it got stuck in a rut

The apple turned to mush

The seeds were sewn into the ground

The sprouts grew roots

The roots grew strong

The baby tree sprung up

The tree grew strong; halfway between the sun and the giving seed tree

When it was cold it found warmth in the sun

When it was windy it leaned on the giving seed tree

From the warmth of the sun and the strength of the giving tree, the tree grew deep roots and strong limbs

Now the tree has grown so tall and so wise to the weather it can see the sun and the giving tree from above

When the weather gets rough the tree stands tall knowing exactly who it is & where it came from

The tree finds comfort deep within its roots through any weather, the same roots that were created by both the warmth of the sun and the gift of life of giving tree.

By Alexandria Zachariades

The word sorry.

Listen for the word sorry today. It is so weird, we use the word sorry for the most minimal actions, actions that are often out of our control. We have used this precious word to the point where it is a regular part of our vocabulary.

Think back to a time when you were actually sorry. Like to when your heart hurt so terribly it felt as if it was bleeding. 

Makes you think about a moment that often times makes you cringe.

Often times when you give a sincere apology, saying the words I am sorry do not change the opinions of others. So you either change your action and work toward others approval or keep on keeping on, depending on how sorry you actually are.

The other day a woman said that she was “so sorry for me being wet” (because of the rain). “Funny”, I thought in my head and quickly replied “it’s not your fault. She said, “I know but I feel bad”. Well then, I am glad we actually know what you mean know I thought.

I cannot remember the last time I said I was sorry, or apologize for my actions. I have turned into Madonnas Unapologetic Bitch. I have no real reason to apologize. I, through my actions, are working towards a greater apology. An apology to myself for not setting myself free sooner from my addictions, negative thought processes and unloving lifestyle. My actions are proving, that I am sorry without even saying a word. So yes, to you I may be an unapologetic bitch, and you can be one to me as well, I’ll not only understand, your probably on a journey too; but I will support you.

Apology not accepted.

 

Not everyone can see the big picture, embrace it.

My first night out not drinking was interesting to say the least. A night that reminded exactly why I am on this awesome journey of sobriety.

Beginning with my friend attempting to peer pressuring me to drink. How many ways can you say no? In a moment of weakness, I doubted myself, and quickly thought, “what the fuck? smile, be present and people will still love you, drink or no drink.”

So the night proceeded and I was having fun, dancing, no one questioned my sobriety. My friends who I was there with are happy for me. They know the blacked out me is not who I want to be. They see that I am happy and funny, drunk or not drunk. I am thankful for them.

A number of gentlemen proceeded to hit on me, one in particular, was speaking with me. He asked me a number of questions and if he could buy me a drink. I explained to him that I was not drinking. He asked again why I was. I explained to him “how beautiful of a thing it was to see your life change in positive ways. To become a person who is completely functioning in any environment, with or with out alcohol. That my anxiety, depression and time lapses, no longer appear. What an awesome thing right? “

He said, “yes, can I at least, BUY you some water? I feel bad like I should buy you something.”

Now this statement here really got my wheels turning. Like, why do you need to buy me something to have a conversation. How many GIRLS do I speak with who tell me they just have guys buy them drinks and that’s how they save money when they go out. How small minded of this new era dating scene. A man asking to buy something or he cannot continue a conversation. A girl – NOT A WOMEN- so broke they prostitute their minds for drinks. Even when I was drinking, I got drunk on my own tab.

So I am here open to finding love. With a guy who is attractive, holds an MBA from Columbia and wants to buy me a drink. Everything in me says RUN. So I do. Why? Because it’s obvious, he can’t see the big picture.

He probably went to these tops schools because of the frameworks his parents built, also the same people who taught them that money can buy love. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I know there is someone out there with similar beliefs. The world is round, it is big and there is much more to life than what is just in front of you.

The big picture guy to me is someone who can hold a conversation about anything and everything. Can admit they don’t know something. Has faults, doesn’t need to buy me shit and ideally cares about me just enough so I don’t get entirely freaked the fuck out. If this guy is out there, I’ll be over here meditating.

This thought went in an odd circle 🙂