Tag Archives: surgery

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

Letting go of self.

During the day long the Sister Ayya spoke about letting go of self. I felt this fitting in my current knee situation. I recently was accepted to get a donor for my meniscus. I was overwhelmed with joy that they chose me to do this procedure, however, I became uneasy when I found out who I would be receiving my parts from. It made me sad to think that I would be receiving my new meniscus from a young person whose life had been cut short. Life is fragile & valuable, it put things into a greater perspective for me. My body will be turned into a living temple tomorrow! What an amazing opportunity, I feel as if I am being given a second chance to live more mindfully and to be more instinct with what my body is telling me before it is too late & I can’t walk.

Sister Ayya articulated “Self is not grabbing, grabbing is self”. She explained that if we were to float down a river just our self we would not grab onto the thickets we would just bob along. Once we grab that becomes self, grasping. She said to look at the things that make us grasp, that is our anxiety, our worries, our doubts, anything that makes us scared. If we look past that we can understand why we are grasping.

I was feeling very nervous this afternoon about my surgery as it is less than 12 hours away & I am not eating. I looked at why I am scared, what I am grasping to. I am scared of dying. Like, going under and never returning, that is the worst that can happen. But then I think to myself, I am content with where I am in life, I have found a direction and if that happens then so be it, I did it right. I have let go and accepted possible outcomes, I am ready, I am happy, I am excited to get healed and take Jane Does’ knee out for a wild ride!