Tag Archives: sobriety

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Mother Earth

Today I laid arms spread wide as if I was hugging the earth.

I was supposed to be doing yoga, but half way through a posture I found myself hugging the earth.

Something inside of me deeply needed this.

And as I lay holding on to this beautiful mass we walk on every day, I felt my body melting. My mind completely still I felt it, I felt the beat of the earth.

It was at that moment, my belief in Mother Earth was greatly deepened, it was as if she was hugging back.

Mother Earth has been my support she has felt every heartbreak of every living soul, she has  witnessed every birth and will all over her cores energy, she holds us down.

Today, I lay on the ground, hugging the earth and I swear I felt Mother Earths heartbeat.

Today I became more of a human than I have ever been in my life.

Today I know, I am me.

Thank you, Mother Earth.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

The best day of my life

The best day of my life was the day I was adopted. Sometimes, I think deeply to myself and reflect on how extremely lucky I am. Of course, my thinking on this was not always this way and it took me much work to understand the magnitude of gratitude I could hold for this simple act.

Around the age of 13, I really started to wonder what it would be like if my parents did not adopt me. I just did not want to be at home, I thought my birth parents had a fairytale life, much better for me. Many 13-year-olds go through this stage, especially if there are other conflicts in the home, however for adopted children this can be magnified on a much larger scale. There are actually two real people out there with actual lives. Luckily for me, my parents had always allowed me to have contact with them which helped me to understand this home is my home. I knew my birth mother was not able to keep me because she was in school, but it angered me that she had a child a year and a half after. It was a hard pill to swallow and I questioned if it was because I was brown.

I then went to college and completely understood that what she is probably the hardest thing college student could do. I even spoke to my birthmother about this when I was in college. I asked her what I should do. She told she had six abortions before having me. My life may haven’t been, I am grateful. I then put myself in her shoes, a 23-year-old, living on their own, studying and constantly surrounded by partying. She carried me for 9 months with her head held high. She was not married, she was not dating the father of the child and she was going to school. I couldn’t imagine myself doing this, life is precious.

I couldn’t imagine myself doing what she did, life is precious. She deeply knew that and honored the world by bringing me into life.

I healed experiencing college and being able to put myself in her shoes.

I heal every day I look around me surrounded by the beauty of life.

I heal when I look at my life and see all the accomplishments, places, and opportunities that have been presented to me.

I heal knowing that I have defied many odds.

We as humans are not perfect, but we have the ability to heal.

Its all perspective​.

No Bohns About It

Family

Yes, the ones who drive you up the walls crazy. When you have that feeling of them making you nuts, I have learned, that its love. Family, each of us has our quirks but we come together to spend with one another and celebrate a beautiful life we have each created.

This past weekend, everything I had missed while leaving in other parts of California was right before me. My family celebrating life for no real reason except for a religious holiday none of actually identify with. We spent the whole day catching up with one another. My beautiful cousins who are more life sisters at this point are struggling to make their next step in life. Their mother & my aunt a wonderful perfectionist seemed to be more worried than them was present, along with my mother, her boyfriend, my father and sister. What a site it was.

Each of us with our own quirks, in one house together drinking and having a good laugh. This moment I never once imagined. We have been through so much, each and everyone one of us. We were all together, smiling and having fun.

Later that evening I had an intense feeling of belonging. Yes, this is my family and I belong with them, I know this.

But sometimes you are distracted by outside things, like work, boyfriends, friends or even because of alcohol. I have found myself in the past unable to connect with my family because of these stressors. I think I am at this point out of maturity, and something that is odd for me to say. I have always thought I was mature, that in fact was much a lie I told myself.

I feel as if I have started over from scratch. I can now approach my family with a smile on my face. I have no significant other but if I did, he would not take away from my family time. If I drank, I would not drink to the point of being sick, because enjoying my family is that important to me. Finally, if your work is so stressful where you cannot enjoy your family time, run- run as fast as you can from that company & find a new passion. I know I did.

DOING yoga or PRACTICING yoga?

Lately, I have been doing a lot of studying around Buddhism, mindfulness, and  yoga. Yes, people say all the time “I am a yogi”. I am sure you yoga a lot, but are you a practitioner of yoga? As someone who did a lot of yoga at one point in my life and still do, I was DOING yoga I was not practicing it. There is a difference here. Doing yoga, you are going through the movements, you are being mindful of your movements and you are moving your body. Usually, your life will change in some way or another. You will feel healthier, be more relaxed and love a little more.

If you are to practice yoga, it encompasses your entire life. You core values will shift as you learn the niyamas and yamas more deeply. Your outlook on parts of the world will change as you understanding the makeup of kosha’s. And finally intimately exploring ourself and others through the chakras (coming from a psychology background, I love this).  This to me is practicing yoga. Making it not just a workout but a way of life and belief system.

We can all DO yoga and it’s great if you do, just one mindful moment can have great ripples throughout the universe. But to make yoga a practice, a lifestyle is truly an awesome transformation that could lead to greater good in your life. I think any strong practice, whether it’s yoga, smoking, running, heavy drinking, dancing, cussing or reading the bible, can all give your life a jolt, good-bad, positive-not positive, devoted practice will change your life and lifestyle.

I chose to live devoutly mindfully, to practice yoga all day every day, that’s pretty cool to me.

Purusha Yoga Teacher Training

This weekend I began my journey of becoming a yoga teacher. What a wonderful experience! As I write this my eyes are heavy, my heart is whole and I am filled with love, knowledge and excitement.

We began by introducing ourselves and our intentions of this course. I chose to set my intention as growth. I thought of this deeply because there is so many areas of my life I would like to prosper. Socially, economically, fundamentally and personally growing for the better. Joy, PJ, Eric and Laxman have all expressed that the teacher training will teach you so much about yourself & I believe it already.

With only 16 hours of guidance under my belt I am beginning to learn a lot about myself. I am a very egocentric person in my outward expression. I think this is because I am quick to speak and slow to think.

Expressing my ego is something I would like to shut down almost completely, this is my goal. Mindful speaking can help be increase and grow my knowledge by allowing others to say things that I most likely haven’t heard or opens a conversation. By having a conversation, I am able to grow friends and by growing friends I will be happy which will help me be happier at work causing me to grow economically. Once I have grown enough I have set my vision at getting into Naropa’s graduate program.

Through the teacher training, I will be able to understand myself more so that I am prepared for the next journey of mine in life.

Now, SANSKIRT – what the heck is this? I am terrible at reading it aloud but through chanting and matra’s we are able to grasp a better understanding of the pronunciation. We open each session or day with three Om’s (the sound of the earth) and then say Shanti (for peace) I really like this part of the practice and provides a ritual and really prepares me for deep meditation.

I have been doing a lot of meditation in the past but I really feel a deeper thought flow during the last sittings through the guidance of the Purusha teachers, I hope I can be like them: inspirational mediation guides.

The word sorry.

Listen for the word sorry today. It is so weird, we use the word sorry for the most minimal actions, actions that are often out of our control. We have used this precious word to the point where it is a regular part of our vocabulary.

Think back to a time when you were actually sorry. Like to when your heart hurt so terribly it felt as if it was bleeding. 

Makes you think about a moment that often times makes you cringe.

Often times when you give a sincere apology, saying the words I am sorry do not change the opinions of others. So you either change your action and work toward others approval or keep on keeping on, depending on how sorry you actually are.

The other day a woman said that she was “so sorry for me being wet” (because of the rain). “Funny”, I thought in my head and quickly replied “it’s not your fault. She said, “I know but I feel bad”. Well then, I am glad we actually know what you mean know I thought.

I cannot remember the last time I said I was sorry, or apologize for my actions. I have turned into Madonnas Unapologetic Bitch. I have no real reason to apologize. I, through my actions, are working towards a greater apology. An apology to myself for not setting myself free sooner from my addictions, negative thought processes and unloving lifestyle. My actions are proving, that I am sorry without even saying a word. So yes, to you I may be an unapologetic bitch, and you can be one to me as well, I’ll not only understand, your probably on a journey too; but I will support you.

Apology not accepted.

 

Not everyone can see the big picture, embrace it.

My first night out not drinking was interesting to say the least. A night that reminded exactly why I am on this awesome journey of sobriety.

Beginning with my friend attempting to peer pressuring me to drink. How many ways can you say no? In a moment of weakness, I doubted myself, and quickly thought, “what the fuck? smile, be present and people will still love you, drink or no drink.”

So the night proceeded and I was having fun, dancing, no one questioned my sobriety. My friends who I was there with are happy for me. They know the blacked out me is not who I want to be. They see that I am happy and funny, drunk or not drunk. I am thankful for them.

A number of gentlemen proceeded to hit on me, one in particular, was speaking with me. He asked me a number of questions and if he could buy me a drink. I explained to him that I was not drinking. He asked again why I was. I explained to him “how beautiful of a thing it was to see your life change in positive ways. To become a person who is completely functioning in any environment, with or with out alcohol. That my anxiety, depression and time lapses, no longer appear. What an awesome thing right? “

He said, “yes, can I at least, BUY you some water? I feel bad like I should buy you something.”

Now this statement here really got my wheels turning. Like, why do you need to buy me something to have a conversation. How many GIRLS do I speak with who tell me they just have guys buy them drinks and that’s how they save money when they go out. How small minded of this new era dating scene. A man asking to buy something or he cannot continue a conversation. A girl – NOT A WOMEN- so broke they prostitute their minds for drinks. Even when I was drinking, I got drunk on my own tab.

So I am here open to finding love. With a guy who is attractive, holds an MBA from Columbia and wants to buy me a drink. Everything in me says RUN. So I do. Why? Because it’s obvious, he can’t see the big picture.

He probably went to these tops schools because of the frameworks his parents built, also the same people who taught them that money can buy love. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I know there is someone out there with similar beliefs. The world is round, it is big and there is much more to life than what is just in front of you.

The big picture guy to me is someone who can hold a conversation about anything and everything. Can admit they don’t know something. Has faults, doesn’t need to buy me shit and ideally cares about me just enough so I don’t get entirely freaked the fuck out. If this guy is out there, I’ll be over here meditating.

This thought went in an odd circle 🙂

Small steps can still achieve great things.

So after declaring this year to be one of sobriety, I reassessed my goal and decided to take a different mental approach. I  need to not look at the whole year as saying I am doing the WHOLE year. I am going to take it one month at a time. Saying this will help me see a more tangible result but also, keep the nay sayers abay.

After seeing the various reactions of others, I deeply thought about it. Some called me an optimist, others asked why I would do such a thing.

In an attempt to keep my garden free of weeds, I will continue to change my thought process about it, reflect more deeply and become more in tune with my thoughts.

 

An intention of a year of sobriety

I had my first drink of alcohol when I was 12, I got drunk for the first time when I was 15 years old and by the time I was 21, I was consistently blacking out. I have gained and lost many friends from my alcohol infused adventures. The ones that I have gained are okay, the ones that I have lost never understood my struggle and the ones that I still have I am thankful for.

Alcohol turns me into a completely different person. My first two drinks I am normally fine, the third I get giggly and by the fourth, I can’t remember shit and will usually end up buying shit I really don’t need. A year and a half ago I go drunk with some friends, I left the party blacked out drunk in an attempt to catch my flight to LAX. My lifelong friend “Z” came to the rescue and almost killed me. She did not speak to me for an entire year, the thought of losing someone that I had known since forever scares the living shit out of me. I want to change because the people that love me hate me when I drink. I hate myself when I drink. I hate being hungover, I hate the fact that I smoke cigarettes, I hate how I get super sick after drinking.

My current lifestyle does not allow me to drink often, but I feel as though it would bring me much pride to say I am sober. I know it will make feel happier and give me a sense of joy. Last year I went almost 4 months without drinking alcohol, I can do this.

Just do it. Change my life, if I lose people and relationships, fine, but I will know I am healthy and happy. I am confident that the  people I have lost relationships will understand me  bit more. The people that I surround myself with will be more caring, mindful and strong. It will give me an advantage to become more successful. I will have a clearer conscience, less anxiety and confidence. My frontal cortex will thank me.

So I am going to do it, one year at a time, one year of no alcohol.