Tag Archives: nobohnsaboutit

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

Some people never heal

from adoption.

A phrase I have heard often very recently. I do agree with the SOME part of the statement but something inside of me becomes angered by how it blankets a community. When people who have never been adopted speak about adoption in this way, I envision a man giving intimate details of childbirth. He has never been through it but he is able to tell you exactly how it feels and what it is like to “heal” from it.

When I was younger in my adolescence I deeply struggled with me being adopted. I felt anger and resentment, thinking the grass was always greener. As I grew older and saw my many accomplishments and opportunities that had been presented to me, I found a new way of looking at my adoption. This was around the age of 13. Generally, those who are adopted struggle the most during puberty, as the begin to more deeply understand what it is like to  possess a sex drive. This is when healing takes place the most. I worked hard to heal. I went to a therapist, I wrote often and as an adult I aspire to give others the tools my therapist instilled within me. I see myself as healed having grieved when I was an adolescent and understanding what healthy relationship dynamics look like by studying and learning about relationship styles when I began to date (age 15, dating was a huge mess for me). Yes, some who have not worked as hard as me to heal may have small issues. But don’t look at them as broken and unfixable, they just need to be given the skills to cope.

I have met people who have not yet healed, but to say they will NEVER heal, is a pretty terrible thing to say about a person. Maybe they have not wanted to heal, maybe they have not been given the tools to heal. AND MAYBE ITS NOT YOUR JUDGEMENT whether they have healed or not. Unless you are a psychologist and they are seeking your help, it is not something you should speak about.

It is an interesting phenomenon, people taking a few psychology courses, or a few hours of ted talk and all of a sudden they are able to judge others and their past. Many of the people have not done something, know themselves first, that is why they are JUDGING (not to be confused with diagnosing) others.

 

 

No Bohns About It

 

Adoption in the media

Being born in 1990, people were still pretty opposed to adoption. Thankfuly, I never really had to deal with what my birthmother endured. My parents were seen as privledged because they could “afford” to adopt childnren.

First lets define the REAL meaning of adoption.

See, adult adoption often means that your step father or step mother has chosen to identify you as their dependant often times for tax purposes or financial aid use. To me adoption is a child being raised by other members of society who are completly un related. COMPLETE STRANGERS RAISING YOU, if you will.

IN THE MEDIA, I see often times birth families fighting for their child back. And the adopted child does not want to return back to them or are deemed “too young” to make a decision on my own. Let me for a second be the voice of that child’s future for one a moment because this happened to me. No, no camera crews were involved but there were lawyers, my birthfather (a hairstylist in Venice) and his 16 year old pregnant girlfriend and my parents (both established school teachers with Masters Degrees). He claimed he did no want my life to be a science project, because both of my parents were very into psychology.

What in the world was he thinking? If he loved me so much, why wouldn’t he want a life that was not possible with him? Thinking it was okay to take my future life away from me filled with education, stability and nurturing? I had a chance to live in a stable environment. A roof over my head, summers in Tahoe and Hawaii, tutoring, a soccer lessons. I still wonder, why did he not want that for me? My birthmother was so scared he would get custody over me again, because she dreamed of my future too. I was an accident, she knew that. She knew that in order to raise a child properly you had to have your shit together. She was still a student and he was still a playboy. In the media we see these birth families claiming victim as they were originally unfit to care for the child. Who welcomes children into the world without having a stable environment? As a mother and sometimes father, you have 9 months to get your life in order to welcome a child. My most noteable 9 months in my adult life I moved to the central coast, learned how to internally recruit and general staff and landed my job back in San Francisco. So what exactly was he doing for 9 months while I was being built? I’m curious what type of person doesn’t plan for 9 months and expects to magically have a child to care for?

It’s as if he saw my life as a possession and not a journey. When the child is at question, as yourself, who will provide the easiest road to “success”. I was the first family member of my adopted birth fathers family to graduate college with a Bachelors Degree. This would not have been possible if I had lived with him. History repeats itself.

So when we see the media placating the birth families as the victim, DO NOT BE FOOLED. That childs fullest potential is at stake. They do indeed have the capacity to dream and if they can dream they can choose. When I was 7 I knew of my birth family and when I was 11 I even thought it would be better with them. My mother grabbed a suitcase & said that if I thought it was better then pack up and she would drive me back to them.

HEAVY SHIT, RIGHT?

Yea, she was teaching my how to contemplate. No, I don’t want to go live with them, I would have to leave soccer behind, all my friends, my toys, yeah I was not leaving. An appology from myself came soon and so did an explanation of love from my mother.

So when you see adoption in the media, see it as a childs fullest potentail being put at stake. It is a beautiful thing that should never be un-done.

 

No Bohns About It