Tag Archives: men

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Not everyone can see the big picture, embrace it.

My first night out not drinking was interesting to say the least. A night that reminded exactly why I am on this awesome journey of sobriety.

Beginning with my friend attempting to peer pressuring me to drink. How many ways can you say no? In a moment of weakness, I doubted myself, and quickly thought, “what the fuck? smile, be present and people will still love you, drink or no drink.”

So the night proceeded and I was having fun, dancing, no one questioned my sobriety. My friends who I was there with are happy for me. They know the blacked out me is not who I want to be. They see that I am happy and funny, drunk or not drunk. I am thankful for them.

A number of gentlemen proceeded to hit on me, one in particular, was speaking with me. He asked me a number of questions and if he could buy me a drink. I explained to him that I was not drinking. He asked again why I was. I explained to him “how beautiful of a thing it was to see your life change in positive ways. To become a person who is completely functioning in any environment, with or with out alcohol. That my anxiety, depression and time lapses, no longer appear. What an awesome thing right? “

He said, “yes, can I at least, BUY you some water? I feel bad like I should buy you something.”

Now this statement here really got my wheels turning. Like, why do you need to buy me something to have a conversation. How many GIRLS do I speak with who tell me they just have guys buy them drinks and that’s how they save money when they go out. How small minded of this new era dating scene. A man asking to buy something or he cannot continue a conversation. A girl – NOT A WOMEN- so broke they prostitute their minds for drinks. Even when I was drinking, I got drunk on my own tab.

So I am here open to finding love. With a guy who is attractive, holds an MBA from Columbia and wants to buy me a drink. Everything in me says RUN. So I do. Why? Because it’s obvious, he can’t see the big picture.

He probably went to these tops schools because of the frameworks his parents built, also the same people who taught them that money can buy love. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I know there is someone out there with similar beliefs. The world is round, it is big and there is much more to life than what is just in front of you.

The big picture guy to me is someone who can hold a conversation about anything and everything. Can admit they don’t know something. Has faults, doesn’t need to buy me shit and ideally cares about me just enough so I don’t get entirely freaked the fuck out. If this guy is out there, I’ll be over here meditating.

This thought went in an odd circle 🙂