Tag Archives: love

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Mother Earth

Today I laid arms spread wide as if I was hugging the earth.

I was supposed to be doing yoga, but half way through a posture I found myself hugging the earth.

Something inside of me deeply needed this.

And as I lay holding on to this beautiful mass we walk on every day, I felt my body melting. My mind completely still I felt it, I felt the beat of the earth.

It was at that moment, my belief in Mother Earth was greatly deepened, it was as if she was hugging back.

Mother Earth has been my support she has felt every heartbreak of every living soul, she has  witnessed every birth and will all over her cores energy, she holds us down.

Today, I lay on the ground, hugging the earth and I swear I felt Mother Earths heartbeat.

Today I became more of a human than I have ever been in my life.

Today I know, I am me.

Thank you, Mother Earth.

Forgotten

Why do I feel so forgotten lately?

It reminds me of when I was younger and my Dad was supposed to pick me up on Wednesdays from school and bring me to practice. He missed three weeks in a row before I decided to find my own way.

Its this knot that builds very low inside me. Slow building a rope that rises up through my head. Eventually cutting off my senses, I become cold, insecure and weak.

It is a feeling like not knowing if tomorrow the sun will rise.

This thought is ever lasting that there is something damaged about me, something that no one wants.

So every day I fall more madly in love with myself because I will always know who and where I am. That is what meditation has taught me to do, know my truth.

At some point, I think this can be so obsessive and how can I find a love that won’t forget me if I don’t forget myself. How can I receive with no hand to give hold to in return?

But self-loving is not just loving myself it is being selfless to others.

Giving yourself to others through simple actions. Choosing not to engage, to ignore anger, and show undenying love and affection to those who are in need of it, because I have so much for myself, everyone needs it too.

When I am not self-loving I destroy myself, breakdown and become someone I hate.

We all do.

So I choose every moment, to take it(life) as it is.

To remind myself to smile because no one likes a frowny friend.

To remind myself to be selfless because that is how you receive self.

Writing this to remind myself that this is who I am.

Practicing this & repeating these actions over and over can only change my life.

Each time I practice, the gaps in my selfishness becomes less and less.

 

This will be who I am, NOT FORGOTTEN.

21 days of meditation – How I shine my light

There are many different ways to devote yourself to living. In my experience I there are so many different beliefs and to me, none of them are wrong. My life is a culmination of various religion, I have thirst; to connect with the unknown and  so I continue to create myself into a devoted human to the earth through various tools. I am a spiritual person who wishes to engage and learn about the various thoughts and beliefs to construct my own.

So on my path of becoming a better person for this world, I have decided to meditate on the 21 meditations of  the Buddha dharma. There are many principles which fall into the Buddhist construct such as Samsara, the fact that the mind is endless (karma/reincarnation) and that our thoughts can be controlled by ourselves.

In the Buddhist belief, this will bring me from an ordinary small being to that of a special small being and then a middling beings a great being and then an enlightened being. “These 21 meditation’s is the actual method for making this progress”(The New Mediation Handbook).

By doing so I hope to increase my personal vitality, to emanate happiness and finding calming peace inside of me. Each day I will recite a prayer to protect and connect me with higher senses, I will then read a contemplation and begin my meditation.

I invite you to follow along my journey of enlightenment by following along!

Regrets

In I believe there are two regrets we may hold, there is the should have/could haves and the why did I’s and I did not mean to. If we live our lives to our truest intention, our regrets will soon dissipate and become less frequent. We will not get knots in our tummy as we reflect on the past, we will not need to alter our memories or create defenses to make ourselves feel better, we will simply begin to live a life that is so according to our truest form, there will be no what ifs, should haves or  doubt.

Sometimes this is easier said than done. A mother denying past interactions with her child, a father completely fine with skipping his child’s college graduation, a young woman uneasy about taking a trip to travel the world, a student fearful of debt.

These are all people who have made decisions or will make decisions that can greatly impact their own well being or the well being of someone who greatly seeks their love.

The why did I’s and I did not mean to

Overcoming uncomfortable past memories can be one of the hardest things to do. This is often why many are unable to sit down with their thoughts and meditate. They are so uncomfortable that they make excuses as to why they should not or how they simply cannot. These people often addicts and abusers will recreate uncomfortable memories to better suit them, denying any past wrong doing. For instance, both a mother and a father engaged in unhealthy drug habits. After a divorce, the father openly admits and accepts his drug addiction, accepting help and acknowledging to his children that he was wrong. He lives each following moment more intently with open love and gratitude. His children admire his strength in his ability to accept the things he cannot change. This father smiles deeply knowing that the past is the past and every day he wakes he can be a better person than the day before.

For instance, both a mother and a father engaged in unhealthy drug habits. After a divorce, the father openly admits and accepts his drug addiction, accepting help and acknowledging to his children that he was wrong. He lives each following moment more intently with open love and gratitude. His children admire his strength in his ability to accept the things he cannot change. This father smiles deeply knowing that the past is the past and every day he wakes he can be a better person than the day before. The mother,however, hides her addiction. Placing all the blame on the father, when asked why she left it, much of it was to do with the drugs. While no longer together, the mother continues her drug use, apparent to the child. If asked about it anger is presented by the mother, she refuses to admit wrongdoing. This is unhealthy regret. The child see’s her mother’s weakness and notices a pattern. All her mother’s unpleasant past actions are recreated to be untrue or completely ignored. The mother calls the child a liar, places blame on others or just ends conversations. People who do this are the ones who need to meditate the most, to sit down face to face with times where you were not your truest self and say to each memory:

Breathing in, I acknowledge this memory to not be my truest self.

Breathing out, I accept that this is not the real me.

Breathing in, I am strong for knowing my weakness.

Breathing out, I acknowledge my strength.

At first, this may be uncomfortable, this is where the growth begins. These unpleasant memories will no longer create ill feelings within you. Cultivating seeds of acceptance within yourself, as others who love you have already done.

The could have would haves

Controversially, there a the young women faced with the opportunity to go to Africa on a whim to see her boyfriend for two months having just begun the job of her dreams. A trip of a lifetime with the love of her life, will her work accept her request to work remotely? Will she have enough money to travel comfortably? Should she not go now and go at a later time when she is more financial endowed and has prepared for a two-month safari? If she does not go, will there be another chance?

Will this be something she regrets for the rest of her life?

This is a life decision, it involves a major financial burden, it strains your work situation and lovers life. If the answer to the last question is yes, GO. There will be more feelings of uncomfortable doubt in the future that overcoming that would be very hard to do. However, accepting things you cannot currently change is the biggest gesture of

However, accepting things you cannot currently change is the biggest gesture of maturity. If your work is perplexed by you asking for two months remote having just begun, contemplating your long term life with your short term life is something worth pondering heavily. If it pains you to let go, create a plan both financially and career wise, so that when you cannot go, you know it is okay because you have a plan to go in X months or X years with X amount of money.

An exercise one  would be to imagine their life without this opportunity being presented.

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Then again to imagine taking the trip now?

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Then again imagine yourself not taking the trip?

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Notice if you find yourself taking the leaps because you are scared of losing a person in your life, or not taking a leap because you are scared of losing an opportunity. If it is true love, a trip will not matter, if it is the right opportunity, it will be presented again.

If it is true love, a trip will not matter, if it is the right opportunity, it will be presented again. Do what feels right and cultivates a seed for happiness in your future.

Then there is the girl who is scared of going to grad school because of money. After many years of debating on a major life investment, she took the leap to apply. Planning on going she begins to deeply doubt herself as the time to attend comes. Knowing that she needs to do this the only thing holding her back is the fear of being poor for the majority of her life.

Each day she awakens, she writes 5 truths she knows about herself. She imagines her journey ahead of her, noticing the now, the future and the end. Each day the story and her truth changes, but one this stays consistent, her aspiration to help others so she knows it will all be worth it.

After visualizing, she breathes.

Breathing in, I know my true path.

Breathing out, I know this journey is my truest path.

Breathing in, I accept my path with gratitude.

Breathing out, I am confident in myself.

If all else fails, remember: its never too late to re-do your future <3.

The best day of my life

The best day of my life was the day I was adopted. Sometimes, I think deeply to myself and reflect on how extremely lucky I am. Of course, my thinking on this was not always this way and it took me much work to understand the magnitude of gratitude I could hold for this simple act.

Around the age of 13, I really started to wonder what it would be like if my parents did not adopt me. I just did not want to be at home, I thought my birth parents had a fairytale life, much better for me. Many 13-year-olds go through this stage, especially if there are other conflicts in the home, however for adopted children this can be magnified on a much larger scale. There are actually two real people out there with actual lives. Luckily for me, my parents had always allowed me to have contact with them which helped me to understand this home is my home. I knew my birth mother was not able to keep me because she was in school, but it angered me that she had a child a year and a half after. It was a hard pill to swallow and I questioned if it was because I was brown.

I then went to college and completely understood that what she is probably the hardest thing college student could do. I even spoke to my birthmother about this when I was in college. I asked her what I should do. She told she had six abortions before having me. My life may haven’t been, I am grateful. I then put myself in her shoes, a 23-year-old, living on their own, studying and constantly surrounded by partying. She carried me for 9 months with her head held high. She was not married, she was not dating the father of the child and she was going to school. I couldn’t imagine myself doing this, life is precious.

I couldn’t imagine myself doing what she did, life is precious. She deeply knew that and honored the world by bringing me into life.

I healed experiencing college and being able to put myself in her shoes.

I heal every day I look around me surrounded by the beauty of life.

I heal when I look at my life and see all the accomplishments, places, and opportunities that have been presented to me.

I heal knowing that I have defied many odds.

We as humans are not perfect, but we have the ability to heal.

Its all perspective​.

No Bohns About It

Unbound from societies constructs, I set my spirit free.

“In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness, as adaptability as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure about who we are, or who anyone else is, either. Every moment is unique, unknown, completely fresh. For a warrior-in-training egolessness is a cause of joy rather than a cause of fear.”

This statement by Pema could not be truer. For the longest time, I had a strong fear of being poor. After graduating university, I was not allowed back home and quickly joined the workforce. I did not want to starve and had to prove to my family I was capable of anything. Finding success made me feel good only temporarily, no one ever expected me to survive yet alone thrive in Orange County, but I did. Deep inside I knew this was not who I wanted to be, I thought moving around would be the cure, but the fear of being irrelevant continued to bight me.

One day I sat down with myself if I genuinely wanted to be happy I needed to follow my true path exactly. I needed to give out this act of security and carry out my truest intention.

I left my well paying corporate job to dive thousands of dollars into “creative debt” (thank you Kanye for the term)ollow my passion for helping others, to finally begin to attain my license to become a therapist. I left my corporate job which allowed me to pay my rent in San Francisco to become a yoga teacher. I left my corporate job which allowed me to buy material things that made me appear to be successful to clean houses in Tahoe for the summer before school.

I left my well paying job so that my heart could actually smile because it was living its authentic path. I left my lucrative career so my spirit could live to its highest potential.

There is no fear inside of me only joy for what is to come. To some, this is an odd way to think and people ask “how will you survive?”. I laugh because I know myself. Never turning down work that is given to me is how I live and if that is the only exclamation a person can give when you tell them you are following your soul’s path, its obvious to me there need to be more spirits in this world set free.

I breathe.

We are so confined by society and what we should do or be. Why? Why have we struggled with this?

I believe that the day I decided that my spirit was worth more than cookies cut from societies stone cake was the day I set myself free.

If I want to light my own candle, bake my own cake and sing my own song, I must listen to myself exactly and live exactly according to my voice and rejoice in its perfect song.

Go for a walk

The other day at yoga school, I decided to go outside and take a walk in the beautiful sunshine. I passed by this home when I saw this beautiful bed of flowers, my heart flourished. As I admired the flowers, I heard birds signing and children playing. It had been so long that I had walked alone, without distraction of my phone, friends or thoughts that I found this clarity.

My heart smiled at me. I truly had missed this.

This is life.

When I returned to the studio, it was difficult for another student to imagine a day with out television. To me an hour of television is an hour of not thinking.

I thought, this is dieing.

My heart cringed for his, thinking of the happiness the outdoors could bring him.

Someday, it will happen.1.jpg

Family

Yes, the ones who drive you up the walls crazy. When you have that feeling of them making you nuts, I have learned, that its love. Family, each of us has our quirks but we come together to spend with one another and celebrate a beautiful life we have each created.

This past weekend, everything I had missed while leaving in other parts of California was right before me. My family celebrating life for no real reason except for a religious holiday none of actually identify with. We spent the whole day catching up with one another. My beautiful cousins who are more life sisters at this point are struggling to make their next step in life. Their mother & my aunt a wonderful perfectionist seemed to be more worried than them was present, along with my mother, her boyfriend, my father and sister. What a site it was.

Each of us with our own quirks, in one house together drinking and having a good laugh. This moment I never once imagined. We have been through so much, each and everyone one of us. We were all together, smiling and having fun.

Later that evening I had an intense feeling of belonging. Yes, this is my family and I belong with them, I know this.

But sometimes you are distracted by outside things, like work, boyfriends, friends or even because of alcohol. I have found myself in the past unable to connect with my family because of these stressors. I think I am at this point out of maturity, and something that is odd for me to say. I have always thought I was mature, that in fact was much a lie I told myself.

I feel as if I have started over from scratch. I can now approach my family with a smile on my face. I have no significant other but if I did, he would not take away from my family time. If I drank, I would not drink to the point of being sick, because enjoying my family is that important to me. Finally, if your work is so stressful where you cannot enjoy your family time, run- run as fast as you can from that company & find a new passion. I know I did.

Feelings deeper than the ocean.

I have never been capable of feeling as deeply as I do now.

This yoga stuff, it really does work. I have managed to learn how to feel again. Today in class I completely broke down. My dreams are my reality. I have said to myself over and over again, someday I will not work behind a computer. Someday, I will get to live again among the big trees. Someday, I will be free and yoga will be my life. My life I have aspired is right at my finger tips. I move forward with a sense of fear that I will have no money to move to Boulder with, I know this is my ego speaking. I have never not been capable of making money. I cry because everything I have dreamed of, I have also feared. That is why they are my dreams and not my reality. But now my dreams are my reality and I am living in a surreal moment, its hard to take in.

As if I should be ashamed of all that I have accomplished. Everything I am proud of, it is not to brag about. But, it is.

I am accomplishing my dreams and the dreams of many others by being fearless. Taking strides into the unknown with a face of determination. I know I can do this.

I know five years ago, I never would have been able to take these strides now. I was incapable of feeling. I cried and things hurt me, but it hurt my ego. I can now easily see the things that hurt my ego and things that hurt my heart, the ego protected by changing me for who I was.

My ego is still her, but true self, my purusa is stronger.

I experience life with a greater understanding with a sense of holding my heart in my hand and a light beaming about my head. Open to experience and feel emotions more easily. Some days it is draining, others it is invigorating, eventually I will become stronger with this and it will just be who I am, taking no energy at all.

To feel what genuine emotion or samadhi is, is some indescribable. There is not angst, anger or excitement. Its something inside you that is breaking open, it is bliss for the here and now is everything you have aspired for and all you have to do is breathe and be.

A day in the life.

A day in the life a life that was adopted.

My life is just like your life; however I may be more grateful for my life than many others.

This gratitude was not something that was easily found and something I struggled with through out my childhood and an area of anger, confusion and frustration.  It is not every day that I was reminded of where I came from, only when something happened when that I thought was unfair. Or when my body developed completely different from my older sisters. Any major life event, like my first homecoming, graduation & birthdays. Or anytime I was happy or complacent, I thought of my sisters and my birth family that could have. I spent my childhood in perpetual bouts of happiness and resentment.

But those thoughts have greatly transformed to gratitude.

My life was an option, I could have very well been terminated.

I choose to be thankful for my life.

For many years I have taken my life for granted, smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, getting piss drunk and defiling my body by giving it away to men who I would never see again.

I almost did not have a life.

I almost did not get to go to one of the best public schools in the nation.

I almost did not get to go to college.

I almost did not have enough lacrosse training to play at a division 1 level.

I almost did not have the opportunity to achieve my highest potential.

I almost did not live my life.

If I almost did not have a life, I need to be grateful for it. I need to take it for the beauty that it is. So I have chosen and learned to live with intent. I think of my birth family with great gratitude and love. I cherish them deeply, they are my motivation for everything I want to achieve. I want to thank and honor my birth mother, every second, every moment for every breath I take. I do that by living more mindfuly, be embracing the present moment, understanding that my body is truly a temple.

If we look at each of our lives, adopted or not, we all have a reason to to live with gratitude. WE ARE ALIVE.

You birth mother are the reason I can say thank you, and mean it. For always and ever. 

Life: live it.

No Bohns About It

A letter to my first teacher of Mindfulness

Dear Grammy,

I hope dinner went well on Saturday, I wish I could have been there. Thank you for inviting me, it meant a lot. My Dad told me about your loss and I am very sorry to hear about it. I want to let you know I love you!
Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on a number of things and wanted to share them with you. Ever since I was young, I have always admired your faith in god. I am learning a lot about mindfulness and transpersonal frameworks as I prepare for my graduate school interview this weekend. I remember when you asked me mindfulness meant when I came over for lunch a few weeks ago and I think you already knew the answer to your own question. You were asking me to see if I knew what it was truly. I know what mindfulness is because of you. You were my first teacher of mindfulness, without me even knowing.
It is interesting to me how a belief in something (anything really) can transform your life. I wonder why I am drawn to mindfulness-transpersonal therapy and I can’t help but think back to sitting at the dinner table eating. Everyone now a days is concerned with “eating mindfully”, everyone wants to know how they can slow down and they can’t seem to because they can’t slow down in their life. They are missing necessary skills. What skills are we/they missing? I think of Grammy, who prays before every meal and is always done last. This is not on purpose to impede us, she “knows how to eat” and she also probably enjoys the meal a bit more as she not only savors the taste but the company as well. Of the differences between us and Grammy, want to know what it is? Her intentional thoughts for other, ourselves and above all the belief in something higher. Funny, how just three main categories of life can transform everything in someone’s life, including how fast they eat!
I am so thankful for having you in my life. You have shown me the graces of believing in something higher and that through devotion and practice great things can happen in all aspects of your life.
I love you and Grandpa sooooooo much because you both are amazing role models. As I prepare for my interview next weekend, I wanted to share with you my gratitude.
Love,
Allie Foo-Doo

DOING yoga or PRACTICING yoga?

Lately, I have been doing a lot of studying around Buddhism, mindfulness, and  yoga. Yes, people say all the time “I am a yogi”. I am sure you yoga a lot, but are you a practitioner of yoga? As someone who did a lot of yoga at one point in my life and still do, I was DOING yoga I was not practicing it. There is a difference here. Doing yoga, you are going through the movements, you are being mindful of your movements and you are moving your body. Usually, your life will change in some way or another. You will feel healthier, be more relaxed and love a little more.

If you are to practice yoga, it encompasses your entire life. You core values will shift as you learn the niyamas and yamas more deeply. Your outlook on parts of the world will change as you understanding the makeup of kosha’s. And finally intimately exploring ourself and others through the chakras (coming from a psychology background, I love this).  This to me is practicing yoga. Making it not just a workout but a way of life and belief system.

We can all DO yoga and it’s great if you do, just one mindful moment can have great ripples throughout the universe. But to make yoga a practice, a lifestyle is truly an awesome transformation that could lead to greater good in your life. I think any strong practice, whether it’s yoga, smoking, running, heavy drinking, dancing, cussing or reading the bible, can all give your life a jolt, good-bad, positive-not positive, devoted practice will change your life and lifestyle.

I chose to live devoutly mindfully, to practice yoga all day every day, that’s pretty cool to me.

What is luck actually?

Working each day with people who are looking for jobs is an interesting experience, you meet every type of person and assist them in an otherwise stressful life event.

Some people manage the stress fine and others refer to you as their personal counselor; these are the candidates I love. This week a recent graduate who I have been assisting has been interviewing for some time now. He has yet to land a job, but holds a great technical skill set and personable. He was frustrated and said he just doesn’t have good luck.

It got me thinking, is it really luck? Or has he been making his job search a full-time job? Has be been working hard enough to attain his goal? What has he been doing extra to better himself? I am wondering because I simply have not used the word luck in so long. As if when he said the words, dust was being blown off of my heart. It brought me back to church Bingo with my Grandmother; my epic wins were straight luck.

I believe that we create our own luck through hard work and devotion. Day in and day out we do things, be it; necessary, extraordinary or nothing at all. If we continue to strive for things, making yourself better each day, then we will need no such thing as luck, for what we are striving for is easily attainable.

See, I meditate, a lot.

It took me a long time to get here. I struggle with a long family history of mental disorders and have overcome anxiety and depression. It took hard work to grow a quiet mind and inner peace, each day I work to achieve it. Some days silencing my mind is easier than others, but each day my mission is clear, be better for myself.

I set out my goals. to become a yoga teacher. So I create a devout practice, I work hard to make extra money to pay for my teacher training. I spend every other weekend at class for 200 hours. I apply myself, I study, I become a yoga teacher. Because I imagined it, I thought about it, I committed to it, I acted on it and I stayed true to my path.

I don’t see where there is luck in this.

“Luck is what you make it”- Luck is made, through your own practice and devotion.

Seva Project: Valentines Day

I am so grateful for stumbling upon Purusha Yoga Studio and Life Center. Not only do they offer yoga but social events as well. Last night my roommate Kerry & I attended partners yoga & a party at the studio after.

I have never partner meditated before but I learned a lot about myself & my insecurities. Even though it was just Kerry across from me, looking into my face, I could not help but become shy and giggle. Keeping my face relaxed while peering into hers, I felt as if she wanted me to look away. If I am to do this again, I need to remember to hold strong to my true self. Just like in life when you are with a partner, being you, self and holding on to your true values is the most important. Becoming a reflection of the other will merely break you.

I think about the times where I have dated men, I stopped going to yoga, I didn’t see my friends or make new friends, I simply lived their life. This I have learned will not work. I believe I am here right now without my life partner to understand who I am perfectly.So that some day when he does arrive into my life, I will not lose myself and my intention in life, he will give me the support and understanding I need to accomplish it and likewise.

 

After a few exercise, we ate food, chatted with friends and spoke with Lucia; the fortune teller. She offered me much wisdom and insight as to where I am going, it was eye opening. She expressed that I must have been a ballet dancer in my former life, I know this to be true. Even when I was younger, I was called big bird when I danced, but moving and imagining I was twirling on stage has always made my heart flutter with joy. My best childhood friend taught me a number of ballet turns, and I still now find myself spinning when I am happy, sad or just feel like it. She then told me that I haven’t been dancing enough lately  and that my spirit is being regimented, that I know is a truth as well.

The lat time I danced in the sun was in September, that is no way to let your soul live.

She expressed that my angels are there for me and all I need to do is to ask for their guidance, I most definitely will!

After meeting with Lucia I won a raffle for a private yoga lesson with Stephani who teaches Hatha, basically I want to be the mini me of her, so that was awesome :D.

This night my intentions were to grow love, in all aspects of my life. I am working on this. My intention of the year is to grow, I guess what I often ponder is what I want to grow into? This morning I came to the realization, I need to grow into myself.

How far did the apple roll from the tree?

It rolled as far as it could

Then it got stuck in a rut

The apple turned to mush

The seeds were sewn into the ground

The sprouts grew roots

The roots grew strong

The baby tree sprung up

The tree grew strong; halfway between the sun and the giving seed tree

When it was cold it found warmth in the sun

When it was windy it leaned on the giving seed tree

From the warmth of the sun and the strength of the giving tree, the tree grew deep roots and strong limbs

Now the tree has grown so tall and so wise to the weather it can see the sun and the giving tree from above

When the weather gets rough the tree stands tall knowing exactly who it is & where it came from

The tree finds comfort deep within its roots through any weather, the same roots that were created by both the warmth of the sun and the gift of life of giving tree.

By Alexandria Zachariades

Not everyone can see the big picture, embrace it.

My first night out not drinking was interesting to say the least. A night that reminded exactly why I am on this awesome journey of sobriety.

Beginning with my friend attempting to peer pressuring me to drink. How many ways can you say no? In a moment of weakness, I doubted myself, and quickly thought, “what the fuck? smile, be present and people will still love you, drink or no drink.”

So the night proceeded and I was having fun, dancing, no one questioned my sobriety. My friends who I was there with are happy for me. They know the blacked out me is not who I want to be. They see that I am happy and funny, drunk or not drunk. I am thankful for them.

A number of gentlemen proceeded to hit on me, one in particular, was speaking with me. He asked me a number of questions and if he could buy me a drink. I explained to him that I was not drinking. He asked again why I was. I explained to him “how beautiful of a thing it was to see your life change in positive ways. To become a person who is completely functioning in any environment, with or with out alcohol. That my anxiety, depression and time lapses, no longer appear. What an awesome thing right? “

He said, “yes, can I at least, BUY you some water? I feel bad like I should buy you something.”

Now this statement here really got my wheels turning. Like, why do you need to buy me something to have a conversation. How many GIRLS do I speak with who tell me they just have guys buy them drinks and that’s how they save money when they go out. How small minded of this new era dating scene. A man asking to buy something or he cannot continue a conversation. A girl – NOT A WOMEN- so broke they prostitute their minds for drinks. Even when I was drinking, I got drunk on my own tab.

So I am here open to finding love. With a guy who is attractive, holds an MBA from Columbia and wants to buy me a drink. Everything in me says RUN. So I do. Why? Because it’s obvious, he can’t see the big picture.

He probably went to these tops schools because of the frameworks his parents built, also the same people who taught them that money can buy love. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I know there is someone out there with similar beliefs. The world is round, it is big and there is much more to life than what is just in front of you.

The big picture guy to me is someone who can hold a conversation about anything and everything. Can admit they don’t know something. Has faults, doesn’t need to buy me shit and ideally cares about me just enough so I don’t get entirely freaked the fuck out. If this guy is out there, I’ll be over here meditating.

This thought went in an odd circle 🙂