Tag Archives: health

Feelings deeper than the ocean.

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I have never been capable of feeling as deeply as I do now.

This yoga stuff, it really does work. I have managed to learn how to feel again. Today in class I completely broke down. My dreams are my reality. I have said to myself over and over again, someday I will not work behind a computer. Someday, I will get to live again among the big trees. Someday, I will be free and yoga will be my life. My life I have aspired is right at my finger tips. I move forward with a sense of fear that I will have no money to move to Boulder with, I know this is my ego speaking. I have never not been capable of making money. I cry because everything I have dreamed of, I have also feared. That is why they are my dreams and not my reality. But now my dreams are my reality and I am living in a surreal moment, its hard to take in.

As if I should be ashamed of all that I have accomplished. Everything I am proud of, it is not to brag about. But, it is.

I am accomplishing my dreams and the dreams of many others by being fearless. Taking strides into the unknown with a face of determination. I know I can do this.

I know five years ago, I never would have been able to take these strides now. I was incapable of feeling. I cried and things hurt me, but it hurt my ego. I can now easily see the things that hurt my ego and things that hurt my heart, the ego protected by changing me for who I was.

My ego is still her, but true self, my purusa is stronger.

I experience life with a greater understanding with a sense of holding my heart in my hand and a light beaming about my head. Open to experience and feel emotions more easily. Some days it is draining, others it is invigorating, eventually I will become stronger with this and it will just be who I am, taking no energy at all.

To feel what genuine emotion or samadhi is, is some indescribable. There is not angst, anger or excitement. Its something inside you that is breaking open, it is bliss for the here and now is everything you have aspired for and all you have to do is breathe and be.

We must never take our health for granted.

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Since I finished the 30-day challenge a lot has changed in my life. Weird because it’s only been a week and a half since I last wrote!

I got a phone call last Thursday, my Mother was letting me know she was getting surgery for a tumor that had metastasized in her sacral area. It was the size of a grapefruit, and when I found out I had a feeling that everything would be okay. My heart silently dropped for her as I knew she would be missing out on an epic ski season. My earliest memories of Mom pushing me down the driveway on my plastic skii’s on whiteout days, or her dragging my sister and I down black diamonds. When I think of adventure sports and snow, it’s synonymous with my Mothers love.

When she came out of surgery the growth was malignant and Jo-Mama was fine only in a lot of pain. A week later I am with some friends doing yoga and when re-injured an old meniscus tear into what is believed to be a bootstrap tear. I drove myself 7 hours from LA to the East Bay, where my Dad took care of me and drove me back to San Fran (seriously, so thankful for my Dad, has always been my best friend, though he is rapidly aging – more on that later). A little while after I went to the Dr. who prescribed an MRI, on my way back home I decided to check on Mother. I could hear the waver in her voice, I asked her how she was, she said “Not good”. She humbly explained that her wounds hadn’t healed and that she had diverticulitis. I broke down (which isn’t usual, only when it’s my Mom or Dad). I couldn’t believe it, the women who has defied most Dr.’s odds & despite knee & other surgeries has never missed a ski season EVER.

We grappled on the phone together & just as she had said when I called her frantically with my knee injury she said, “that’s why we always need to be thankful for our health & never take it for granted”. I know I was abusing my health & over working myself, my Mother, I can’t say she was taking her health for granted but living to the words she was preaching to me.

So as I prepare for potential surgery in the next few weeks I reflect on how I can better live a life of active balance & so I shall!

Bringing consciousness of good health in all the wrong ways

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Since I finished the 30-day challenge a lot has changed in my life. Weird because it’s only been a week and a half since I last wrote!

I got a phone call last Thursday, my Mother was letting me know she was getting surgery for a tumor that had metastasized in her sacral area. It was the size of a grapefruit, and when I found out I had a feeling that everything would be okay. My heart silently dropped for her as I knew she would be missing out on an epic ski season. My earliest memories of Mom pushing me down the driveway on my plastic ski’s on whiteout days, or her dragging my sister and I down black diamonds. When I think of adventure sports and snow, it’s synonymous with my Mothers love.

When she came out of surgery the growth was malignant and Jo-Mama was fine only in a lot of pain. A week later I am with some friends doing yoga and when re-injured an old meniscus tear into what is believed to be a bootstrap tear. I drove myself 7 hours from LA to the East Bay, where my Dad took care of me and drove me back to San Fran (seriously, so thankful for my Dad, has always been my best friend, though he is rapidly aging – more on that later). A little while after I went to the Dr. who prescribed an MRI, on my way back home I decided to check on Mother. I could hear the waver in her voice, I asked her how she was, she said “Not good”. She humbly explained that her wounds hadn’t healed and that she had diverticulitis. I broke down (which isn’t usual, only when it’s my Mom or Dad). I couldn’t believe it, the women who has defied most Dr.’s odds & despite knee & other surgeries has never missed a ski season EVER.

We grappled on the phone together & just as she had said when I called her frantically with my knee injury she said, “that’s why we always need to be thankful for our health & never take it for granted”. I know I was abusing my health & over working myself, my Mother, I can’t say she was taking her health for granted but living to the words she was preaching to me.

So as I prepare for potential surgery in the next few weeks I reflect on how I can better live a life of active balance & so I shall!