Tag Archives: graduateschool

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

My Grad school interview at Naropa

Some say that when you are meant to be in the right place at the right time you will feel nothing. No angst, no pain, no bliss, no excitement, you just are. I landed in Denver walked off the gateway and had this complacent feeling. There was nowhere else I needed to be but here, right now, feeling this.

What a feeling to have, as if time stopped, I could actually feel myself living in the exact present millisecond, there was no noise, I was me.

 

Soon I found my Mother who I was so happy to have come with me to check out my potential digs. We arrived at Naropa University just in time for a campus-wide meet and greet. We listened to the dean speak, heard a speaker talk and attended a sit in class. We thought we would be watching a class happen, but instead, we were in a class actively participating. Basically, I brought my mother to my first day of school at Naropa, it was awesome.  This is a highly contemplative environment, group discussion, no actual desks and high energy teachers. It would be as if I were going to yoga school all day, but instead of learning yoga, I am learning about psychology and meditation.

One more time, I am learning about psychology and meditation, all day.

I love the way this sounds, my heart is fluttering as I type.

<Breathe>

Saturday I arrived at Naropa for my interviews SIN mother (I was actually bummed about this {disclaimer: not a momma’s girl, more on this topic later}). We sat & chatted with others, then was welcomed by the dean and with our peer group were hustled off into different directions. Somatics were in full on dance mode, Mindfulness group which I was in went to meditation and the Buddhist & wilderness people went off somewhere else.

In meditation, the room was perfectly lit, we were asked to breathe with our eyes open, which is something I have not been doing recently but something I will begin to practice again. This is so we can take this awareness into the waking state.

Group interview was interesting, 7 peers, 2 Naropa staff who later interviewed me in person. I rocked the in-person interview & feel I really bonded with my  interviewer. I am totally looking her up and Marcia to send them well deserved cards of gratitude & maybe even potentially my resume 😀 (a girl gotta eat).

I finish the day & my mother picks me up from school.

Let me repeat cause that sounds weird, MY MOTHER PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL.

She is the hardest working lady I know, being a teacher in another school district, meant she was not able to do this, my heart was always ecstatic when she did pick me up or took me somewhere on weekdays.

We went out to dinner downtown & I got to see how simply wonderful Boulder is & the people who live there.

My heart belongs there, where time is slow and people say hello to one another, not scared for their life upon approaching strangers.

Now I sit and wait for the call.

Nervousness.

It has been a belief of mine that nerves are disguised as excitement. Before competing, before interviews, before anything I am anticipating: EXCITEMENT. This is what I tell myself,  I never think of failure. It has never been an option. See there is no failing, only an opportunity to learn. But lately, this isn’t true. I am scared shitless, I am nervous.

See, I have spent the past 9 months living in San Francisco, close to my family & surrounded by people I truly have made deep connections with. Finally, I am surrounding myself with wonderful people who foster beauty in every aspect of my life. There are so many wonderful people that want to be friends with me!

So everything I have been building, my strong wholesome root. My career, my family, my friends; will all change if I am to go to graduate school at Naropa. This scares me, my root chakra feels as if it will break. I take each moment I have here with great gratitude, hoping to make the most out of each moment.

I am nervous, my interview for Naropa is next Saturday. I really can’t remember my essay, what transformation is or what mindfulness really truly means. For the first time, I am going to be questioned about my knowledge of Mindful thinking in a professional environment. I will be tasked with talking to other peers about my knowledge of Mindfulness. I have never done this before. I am nervous because I don’t know what will happen.

As I write this, I sit here and thinking  I shoudl be excited. I am excited, excited for a new endeavor. A chance to learn, a chance to grow, a chance to pursue a dream.

If I continue to live my life with love and embody my intention, when I leave to pursue my true intention, I will feel no qualms. It will be fine, becuase I will be where I need to be.