Tag Archives: family

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

Family

Yes, the ones who drive you up the walls crazy. When you have that feeling of them making you nuts, I have learned, that its love. Family, each of us has our quirks but we come together to spend with one another and celebrate a beautiful life we have each created.

This past weekend, everything I had missed while leaving in other parts of California was right before me. My family celebrating life for no real reason except for a religious holiday none of actually identify with. We spent the whole day catching up with one another. My beautiful cousins who are more life sisters at this point are struggling to make their next step in life. Their mother & my aunt a wonderful perfectionist seemed to be more worried than them was present, along with my mother, her boyfriend, my father and sister. What a site it was.

Each of us with our own quirks, in one house together drinking and having a good laugh. This moment I never once imagined. We have been through so much, each and everyone one of us. We were all together, smiling and having fun.

Later that evening I had an intense feeling of belonging. Yes, this is my family and I belong with them, I know this.

But sometimes you are distracted by outside things, like work, boyfriends, friends or even because of alcohol. I have found myself in the past unable to connect with my family because of these stressors. I think I am at this point out of maturity, and something that is odd for me to say. I have always thought I was mature, that in fact was much a lie I told myself.

I feel as if I have started over from scratch. I can now approach my family with a smile on my face. I have no significant other but if I did, he would not take away from my family time. If I drank, I would not drink to the point of being sick, because enjoying my family is that important to me. Finally, if your work is so stressful where you cannot enjoy your family time, run- run as fast as you can from that company & find a new passion. I know I did.

A letter to my first teacher of Mindfulness

Dear Grammy,

I hope dinner went well on Saturday, I wish I could have been there. Thank you for inviting me, it meant a lot. My Dad told me about your loss and I am very sorry to hear about it. I want to let you know I love you!
Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on a number of things and wanted to share them with you. Ever since I was young, I have always admired your faith in god. I am learning a lot about mindfulness and transpersonal frameworks as I prepare for my graduate school interview this weekend. I remember when you asked me mindfulness meant when I came over for lunch a few weeks ago and I think you already knew the answer to your own question. You were asking me to see if I knew what it was truly. I know what mindfulness is because of you. You were my first teacher of mindfulness, without me even knowing.
It is interesting to me how a belief in something (anything really) can transform your life. I wonder why I am drawn to mindfulness-transpersonal therapy and I can’t help but think back to sitting at the dinner table eating. Everyone now a days is concerned with “eating mindfully”, everyone wants to know how they can slow down and they can’t seem to because they can’t slow down in their life. They are missing necessary skills. What skills are we/they missing? I think of Grammy, who prays before every meal and is always done last. This is not on purpose to impede us, she “knows how to eat” and she also probably enjoys the meal a bit more as she not only savors the taste but the company as well. Of the differences between us and Grammy, want to know what it is? Her intentional thoughts for other, ourselves and above all the belief in something higher. Funny, how just three main categories of life can transform everything in someone’s life, including how fast they eat!
I am so thankful for having you in my life. You have shown me the graces of believing in something higher and that through devotion and practice great things can happen in all aspects of your life.
I love you and Grandpa sooooooo much because you both are amazing role models. As I prepare for my interview next weekend, I wanted to share with you my gratitude.
Love,
Allie Foo-Doo