Tag Archives: care

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

The best day of my life

The best day of my life was the day I was adopted. Sometimes, I think deeply to myself and reflect on how extremely lucky I am. Of course, my thinking on this was not always this way and it took me much work to understand the magnitude of gratitude I could hold for this simple act.

Around the age of 13, I really started to wonder what it would be like if my parents did not adopt me. I just did not want to be at home, I thought my birth parents had a fairytale life, much better for me. Many 13-year-olds go through this stage, especially if there are other conflicts in the home, however for adopted children this can be magnified on a much larger scale. There are actually two real people out there with actual lives. Luckily for me, my parents had always allowed me to have contact with them which helped me to understand this home is my home. I knew my birth mother was not able to keep me because she was in school, but it angered me that she had a child a year and a half after. It was a hard pill to swallow and I questioned if it was because I was brown.

I then went to college and completely understood that what she is probably the hardest thing college student could do. I even spoke to my birthmother about this when I was in college. I asked her what I should do. She told she had six abortions before having me. My life may haven’t been, I am grateful. I then put myself in her shoes, a 23-year-old, living on their own, studying and constantly surrounded by partying. She carried me for 9 months with her head held high. She was not married, she was not dating the father of the child and she was going to school. I couldn’t imagine myself doing this, life is precious.

I couldn’t imagine myself doing what she did, life is precious. She deeply knew that and honored the world by bringing me into life.

I healed experiencing college and being able to put myself in her shoes.

I heal every day I look around me surrounded by the beauty of life.

I heal when I look at my life and see all the accomplishments, places, and opportunities that have been presented to me.

I heal knowing that I have defied many odds.

We as humans are not perfect, but we have the ability to heal.

Its all perspective​.

No Bohns About It

Go for a walk

The other day at yoga school, I decided to go outside and take a walk in the beautiful sunshine. I passed by this home when I saw this beautiful bed of flowers, my heart flourished. As I admired the flowers, I heard birds signing and children playing. It had been so long that I had walked alone, without distraction of my phone, friends or thoughts that I found this clarity.

My heart smiled at me. I truly had missed this.

This is life.

When I returned to the studio, it was difficult for another student to imagine a day with out television. To me an hour of television is an hour of not thinking.

I thought, this is dieing.

My heart cringed for his, thinking of the happiness the outdoors could bring him.

Someday, it will happen.1.jpg

Seva Project: Valentines Day

I am so grateful for stumbling upon Purusha Yoga Studio and Life Center. Not only do they offer yoga but social events as well. Last night my roommate Kerry & I attended partners yoga & a party at the studio after.

I have never partner meditated before but I learned a lot about myself & my insecurities. Even though it was just Kerry across from me, looking into my face, I could not help but become shy and giggle. Keeping my face relaxed while peering into hers, I felt as if she wanted me to look away. If I am to do this again, I need to remember to hold strong to my true self. Just like in life when you are with a partner, being you, self and holding on to your true values is the most important. Becoming a reflection of the other will merely break you.

I think about the times where I have dated men, I stopped going to yoga, I didn’t see my friends or make new friends, I simply lived their life. This I have learned will not work. I believe I am here right now without my life partner to understand who I am perfectly.So that some day when he does arrive into my life, I will not lose myself and my intention in life, he will give me the support and understanding I need to accomplish it and likewise.

 

After a few exercise, we ate food, chatted with friends and spoke with Lucia; the fortune teller. She offered me much wisdom and insight as to where I am going, it was eye opening. She expressed that I must have been a ballet dancer in my former life, I know this to be true. Even when I was younger, I was called big bird when I danced, but moving and imagining I was twirling on stage has always made my heart flutter with joy. My best childhood friend taught me a number of ballet turns, and I still now find myself spinning when I am happy, sad or just feel like it. She then told me that I haven’t been dancing enough lately  and that my spirit is being regimented, that I know is a truth as well.

The lat time I danced in the sun was in September, that is no way to let your soul live.

She expressed that my angels are there for me and all I need to do is to ask for their guidance, I most definitely will!

After meeting with Lucia I won a raffle for a private yoga lesson with Stephani who teaches Hatha, basically I want to be the mini me of her, so that was awesome :D.

This night my intentions were to grow love, in all aspects of my life. I am working on this. My intention of the year is to grow, I guess what I often ponder is what I want to grow into? This morning I came to the realization, I need to grow into myself.

2016 – The year of the Mokey

Every year I attempt to set my goals, I usually scribble it down in my journal and put it away until the following year. It is a gift to myself that I give each year after Christmas has ended. I take the time to reflect on where I was last year, what I envisioned my life to be, what I accomplished and what I aspire for the next year.

As a “millennial” I have been told that my generation is the generation to constantly change, pivot careers and overall to appear to be unreliable in the business world. I think were misunderstood. We are the generation that refuses to be miserable, were not going to work an 8-6 job for a salary that gets us nowhere and little promotion. Maybe I am speaking for an entire generation, or maybe I am speaking for myself. I am tired of sitting behind a desk tinkering on a computer all day, life is meant to be so much more than that. I know that working in a cubicle and wearing a suit was a childhood dream. I think it’s because my parents worked in the education system and I thought that if I wore a suit I would be rich. I have money, but my life is less than rich.

I want to leave all stones unturned in my life. I don’t want to say, “oh I have always wanted to do that”. I want to say, “oh, what a memory it was”. I want my work to embody my lifestyle. I am not a selfish person, I am not greedy or manipulative. If I spend 40 hours per week with others, I want the people I am surrounding myself with to have similar ideas and beliefs or at least, be open to learning new things. I have contemplated for hours about what I should do to achieve an authenticated life and 2016 is the year I am going to do it.

Goals:

  1. Apply to Naropa University’s graduate program
  2. Get an interview at Naropa University
  3. Get into Naropa University Graduate Program – Fall 2016
  4. Get my 200 Yoga Teacher Training Certification from Parusha Yoga
  5. Attain a job at either a. Career Center at Naropa with a scholarship, b. RiseSmart or Cielo
  6. Move to somewhere beautiful
    1. If I get into Naropa, then it will be Boulder.
    2. If not Tahoe, Mammoth, Boulder, someplace awesome where I can be outside.
  7. Strengthen my yoga practice
  8. Attain a deeper understanding of holistic medicine
    1. Spread the knowledge of it
  9. Recover my surgery knee to 100%
  10. Get back into skiing
  11. get back into skateboarding
  12. Get back into downhill biking
  13. Become more thankful – once a day write or reflect one good thing I am thankful for
  14. go camping
  15. go on a road trip
  16. Go raving with Knarly
  17. Continue to grow my relationship with my family
  18. Be open to finding love -Monkey year is my year for love ❤
  19. Attend Wonderlust with my Mother
  20. Attend a festival with my Sister
  21. Catch a fish
  22. Read at least 4 books
  23. Read at least 30 minutes per week night
  24. Do at least 6 Bikram double days
  25. Participate in 2 30 day Yoga Challenges
  26. Stay sober from Alcohol for 1 year
  27. 3 morning workouts per week
  28. LONG TERM
    1. Launch a company for spreading holistic medicine
    2. Own my own property
    3. Have a garden to grow my own tea
    4. Get married to a soulmate
    5. have children
    6. Travel to every continent
    7. See the Northern Lights
    8. Be happy.
    9. Spread positivity
    10. Spread knowledge

NOTE TO SELF: Just make sure your “work” is your passion. If your work is your passion, then you are merely passionate soul.

THE NUNS OF ALOKA VIHARA MONASTIC DAYLONG “IT’S CLOSER THAN YOU THINK”

I recently found this place in San Francisco called the Mindfulness Care Center. There are a number of different classes and seminars that offer guidance for meditation and mindfulness. Each week they even offer weekly guided meditation, I think this is a powerful place for a growing community.

The Sisters of Aloka were dressed in orangeish monk type garments. They sat on meditation cushions and wore a serene smile while adorning a pleasant presence that was radiating. The sisters introduced themselves and we began to meditate for 35 minutes, they then spoke about Dhamma and the power of thought, the four virtues. We then presented the food & offered it to the Nuns. This was the first time I had been apart of something like this and it was not only insightful but a calming a nurturing experience. To be surrounded by other calm individuals, practicing peace in silence but coordinating together to present a meal. Once the Sisters served themselves and sat down, we then too ate our food in a silent meal. After eating, I took the time to reflect in my journal, I wrote this.

What a wonderful experience the “Day Retreat” is. The day began with a chant, then moved into meditation for what felt like five minutes but was really 35. I have read, studied and practiced meditation and mindfulness for some time now but what has been introduced to me today brings a different level of consciousness. After the bell had chimed to pull us out of our current though the sisters explained what Dhamma is and how to maximize mediation to reach it. Focusing on the positive, elminating the negative, going outside of self for best introspection. They explained that often time we dance around particular thoughts when we medidated and that these thoughts elicit feelings that can only bring discomfort or the time being, but if we explore the reason why we are avoiding these thoughts. We need to confront them to find comfort and are able to let go. I feel in tune with myself.”

This was the most rewarding seminar I have participated in, in a long time. I am feeling prepared for my surgery.