Tag Archives: alcohol

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

An intention of a year of sobriety

I had my first drink of alcohol when I was 12, I got drunk for the first time when I was 15 years old and by the time I was 21, I was consistently blacking out. I have gained and lost many friends from my alcohol infused adventures. The ones that I have gained are okay, the ones that I have lost never understood my struggle and the ones that I still have I am thankful for.

Alcohol turns me into a completely different person. My first two drinks I am normally fine, the third I get giggly and by the fourth, I can’t remember shit and will usually end up buying shit I really don’t need. A year and a half ago I go drunk with some friends, I left the party blacked out drunk in an attempt to catch my flight to LAX. My lifelong friend “Z” came to the rescue and almost killed me. She did not speak to me for an entire year, the thought of losing someone that I had known since forever scares the living shit out of me. I want to change because the people that love me hate me when I drink. I hate myself when I drink. I hate being hungover, I hate the fact that I smoke cigarettes, I hate how I get super sick after drinking.

My current lifestyle does not allow me to drink often, but I feel as though it would bring me much pride to say I am sober. I know it will make feel happier and give me a sense of joy. Last year I went almost 4 months without drinking alcohol, I can do this.

Just do it. Change my life, if I lose people and relationships, fine, but I will know I am healthy and happy. I am confident that the  people I have lost relationships will understand me  bit more. The people that I surround myself with will be more caring, mindful and strong. It will give me an advantage to become more successful. I will have a clearer conscience, less anxiety and confidence. My frontal cortex will thank me.

So I am going to do it, one year at a time, one year of no alcohol.