Tag Archives: abortion

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

A day in the life.

A day in the life a life that was adopted.

My life is just like your life; however I may be more grateful for my life than many others.

This gratitude was not something that was easily found and something I struggled with through out my childhood and an area of anger, confusion and frustration.  It is not every day that I was reminded of where I came from, only when something happened when that I thought was unfair. Or when my body developed completely different from my older sisters. Any major life event, like my first homecoming, graduation & birthdays. Or anytime I was happy or complacent, I thought of my sisters and my birth family that could have. I spent my childhood in perpetual bouts of happiness and resentment.

But those thoughts have greatly transformed to gratitude.

My life was an option, I could have very well been terminated.

I choose to be thankful for my life.

For many years I have taken my life for granted, smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, getting piss drunk and defiling my body by giving it away to men who I would never see again.

I almost did not have a life.

I almost did not get to go to one of the best public schools in the nation.

I almost did not get to go to college.

I almost did not have enough lacrosse training to play at a division 1 level.

I almost did not have the opportunity to achieve my highest potential.

I almost did not live my life.

If I almost did not have a life, I need to be grateful for it. I need to take it for the beauty that it is. So I have chosen and learned to live with intent. I think of my birth family with great gratitude and love. I cherish them deeply, they are my motivation for everything I want to achieve. I want to thank and honor my birth mother, every second, every moment for every breath I take. I do that by living more mindfuly, be embracing the present moment, understanding that my body is truly a temple.

If we look at each of our lives, adopted or not, we all have a reason to to live with gratitude. WE ARE ALIVE.

You birth mother are the reason I can say thank you, and mean it. For always and ever. 

Life: live it.

No Bohns About It

Sexual responsibility.

I am seriously exhausted of talking to women my own age who are sexually irresponsible.  Maybe it is just something about the San Francisco lifestyle or the fact that the people I am hanging around don’t care enough about themselves. But too many of my sexually active friends are not utilizing contraceptive.

Two friends of mine have told me they think they are pregnant and need to get tested, they have told me this almost since I met them 5 months ago. I ask them if they are on the pill, they say no. Month by month this is a regularly occurring issue. I am tired of giving you GIRLS sympathy. I have told you my story. The one where my birth mother has 4 abortions before finally deciding to keep and put my life up for adoption (bless her soul).

My how these two things have made me responsible for my sexual protection. It has made me buy and carry condoms on dates. It has made me take birth control every day for 5 years. When people continuously tell me they think they are pregnant, I always tell them to get on the pill. I tell them my story and ask them what they would do if they were pregnant. And still nothing changes them.

I’m tired of it. I am tired of my generation asking for sympathy or concern. Holding potential life in you is not something to broadcast to others. Your scared, I get it. But your not actually listening to the people who are trying to help you. Because if you were, you wouldn’t be worrying. You would have gone to planned parenthood, or your doctor and gotten a prescription for birth control.

No more sympathy to the GIRLS who wonder if they are pregnant every month. Change your life, become a WOMEN.