Tag Archives: AA

Fear

A simple meditation for being with your fears

Sometimes high up in the forest, I find a rock to perch upon. Sometimes, I read, other times I meditate but when I want to come back to reality and lose my fears of the future; I do this.

I find the highest rock. I find an area that seems comfortable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

rtable to me, I stand tall and close my eyes. I stand there until I completely forget where I am, losing time and space. Gaining a fleeting feeling as if I am hovering above the earth.

All I think about is this:

Do I trust myself deeply? Decisions, actions, future, past.

I trust myself deeply, decisions, actions, future, past all happened because I trust myself deeply.

I go through this until I mean exactly what I say.
Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

What am I going through:

Lately, I have been doing this often as my path to graduate school begins very soon. I look at where this beautiful life journey has brought me. In the beginning, I was upset I did not take this journey sooner, then I feared if it would be worth the money and as the time to descend to Boulder; I can’t help but think of how I will once again be leaving a home I just created for myself. I will be out of my element, standing out as me, the girl from California among a class of 40 other students from mostly the east coast. I have not been in a classroom since I graduated in 2012 from Fresno State. I will be asked to write & then I will be critiqued on my writing. I love to write but I fear, like so many times in the past, it just won’t be good enough. Will my conservative, liberal thoughts not be accepted by my peers? Do I realllllly want to do this? When I am feeling scared, alone or just not me, I can’t hop in the car to see the people who make me feel the best. The universe always provides, ALWAYS provides what it is & exactly what you need, the faith in me for that is deep. So while these fears are so apparent, my meditation has always gotten me to let go of these fears.

So I meditate like this

Knowing that the universe provides always. Every time I close my eyes, I know I trust myself & the universe.

Mother Earth

Today I laid arms spread wide as if I was hugging the earth.

I was supposed to be doing yoga, but half way through a posture I found myself hugging the earth.

Something inside of me deeply needed this.

And as I lay holding on to this beautiful mass we walk on every day, I felt my body melting. My mind completely still I felt it, I felt the beat of the earth.

It was at that moment, my belief in Mother Earth was greatly deepened, it was as if she was hugging back.

Mother Earth has been my support she has felt every heartbreak of every living soul, she has  witnessed every birth and will all over her cores energy, she holds us down.

Today, I lay on the ground, hugging the earth and I swear I felt Mother Earths heartbeat.

Today I became more of a human than I have ever been in my life.

Today I know, I am me.

Thank you, Mother Earth.

Forgotten

Why do I feel so forgotten lately?

It reminds me of when I was younger and my Dad was supposed to pick me up on Wednesdays from school and bring me to practice. He missed three weeks in a row before I decided to find my own way.

Its this knot that builds very low inside me. Slow building a rope that rises up through my head. Eventually cutting off my senses, I become cold, insecure and weak.

It is a feeling like not knowing if tomorrow the sun will rise.

This thought is ever lasting that there is something damaged about me, something that no one wants.

So every day I fall more madly in love with myself because I will always know who and where I am. That is what meditation has taught me to do, know my truth.

At some point, I think this can be so obsessive and how can I find a love that won’t forget me if I don’t forget myself. How can I receive with no hand to give hold to in return?

But self-loving is not just loving myself it is being selfless to others.

Giving yourself to others through simple actions. Choosing not to engage, to ignore anger, and show undenying love and affection to those who are in need of it, because I have so much for myself, everyone needs it too.

When I am not self-loving I destroy myself, breakdown and become someone I hate.

We all do.

So I choose every moment, to take it(life) as it is.

To remind myself to smile because no one likes a frowny friend.

To remind myself to be selfless because that is how you receive self.

Writing this to remind myself that this is who I am.

Practicing this & repeating these actions over and over can only change my life.

Each time I practice, the gaps in my selfishness becomes less and less.

 

This will be who I am, NOT FORGOTTEN.

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

Why yoga?

This took me a while to contemplate because there are so many reasons why!

Because I don’t think I ever knew who I truly was. I started yoga as a way to clear my mind after I first started my 7:30 AM – 6:00 PM job (who willingly does that to themselves?) and had recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I read an article online that Bikram Yoga could rebalance my hormones, so I bought my first Groupon and was on my way. I did 20 out of the 30 days of class and saw my life radically transform, after staring at myself half naked in a hot room full of 40 other people, I started to see my body for what it is. I was able to concentrate more and my depressive habits began to subside. As I deepened my practice going from studio to studio throughout California I noticed that I no longer felt the need to drink heavily in social situations and could actually articulate my thoughts with confidence. I no longer found the need to get stoned or chain smoke when I was anxious I just met the mat.

When I finally did my 200-hour teacher training at Purusha, I learned about the Siddhis and how yoga can cleanse you of the siddhis. Yoga cleansed my life without me even knowing it. I HAD TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE THAT YOGA SAVED ME. Through yoga, I not only found my voice but discovered exactly who I am and what I am meant to be. That’s why yoga.

That’s why; yoga.

Yoga chose me, I did not choose yoga.

Regrets

In I believe there are two regrets we may hold, there is the should have/could haves and the why did I’s and I did not mean to. If we live our lives to our truest intention, our regrets will soon dissipate and become less frequent. We will not get knots in our tummy as we reflect on the past, we will not need to alter our memories or create defenses to make ourselves feel better, we will simply begin to live a life that is so according to our truest form, there will be no what ifs, should haves or  doubt.

Sometimes this is easier said than done. A mother denying past interactions with her child, a father completely fine with skipping his child’s college graduation, a young woman uneasy about taking a trip to travel the world, a student fearful of debt.

These are all people who have made decisions or will make decisions that can greatly impact their own well being or the well being of someone who greatly seeks their love.

The why did I’s and I did not mean to

Overcoming uncomfortable past memories can be one of the hardest things to do. This is often why many are unable to sit down with their thoughts and meditate. They are so uncomfortable that they make excuses as to why they should not or how they simply cannot. These people often addicts and abusers will recreate uncomfortable memories to better suit them, denying any past wrong doing. For instance, both a mother and a father engaged in unhealthy drug habits. After a divorce, the father openly admits and accepts his drug addiction, accepting help and acknowledging to his children that he was wrong. He lives each following moment more intently with open love and gratitude. His children admire his strength in his ability to accept the things he cannot change. This father smiles deeply knowing that the past is the past and every day he wakes he can be a better person than the day before.

For instance, both a mother and a father engaged in unhealthy drug habits. After a divorce, the father openly admits and accepts his drug addiction, accepting help and acknowledging to his children that he was wrong. He lives each following moment more intently with open love and gratitude. His children admire his strength in his ability to accept the things he cannot change. This father smiles deeply knowing that the past is the past and every day he wakes he can be a better person than the day before. The mother,however, hides her addiction. Placing all the blame on the father, when asked why she left it, much of it was to do with the drugs. While no longer together, the mother continues her drug use, apparent to the child. If asked about it anger is presented by the mother, she refuses to admit wrongdoing. This is unhealthy regret. The child see’s her mother’s weakness and notices a pattern. All her mother’s unpleasant past actions are recreated to be untrue or completely ignored. The mother calls the child a liar, places blame on others or just ends conversations. People who do this are the ones who need to meditate the most, to sit down face to face with times where you were not your truest self and say to each memory:

Breathing in, I acknowledge this memory to not be my truest self.

Breathing out, I accept that this is not the real me.

Breathing in, I am strong for knowing my weakness.

Breathing out, I acknowledge my strength.

At first, this may be uncomfortable, this is where the growth begins. These unpleasant memories will no longer create ill feelings within you. Cultivating seeds of acceptance within yourself, as others who love you have already done.

The could have would haves

Controversially, there a the young women faced with the opportunity to go to Africa on a whim to see her boyfriend for two months having just begun the job of her dreams. A trip of a lifetime with the love of her life, will her work accept her request to work remotely? Will she have enough money to travel comfortably? Should she not go now and go at a later time when she is more financial endowed and has prepared for a two-month safari? If she does not go, will there be another chance?

Will this be something she regrets for the rest of her life?

This is a life decision, it involves a major financial burden, it strains your work situation and lovers life. If the answer to the last question is yes, GO. There will be more feelings of uncomfortable doubt in the future that overcoming that would be very hard to do. However, accepting things you cannot currently change is the biggest gesture of

However, accepting things you cannot currently change is the biggest gesture of maturity. If your work is perplexed by you asking for two months remote having just begun, contemplating your long term life with your short term life is something worth pondering heavily. If it pains you to let go, create a plan both financially and career wise, so that when you cannot go, you know it is okay because you have a plan to go in X months or X years with X amount of money.

An exercise one  would be to imagine their life without this opportunity being presented.

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Then again to imagine taking the trip now?

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Then again imagine yourself not taking the trip?

What does it look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What would happen?

Notice if you find yourself taking the leaps because you are scared of losing a person in your life, or not taking a leap because you are scared of losing an opportunity. If it is true love, a trip will not matter, if it is the right opportunity, it will be presented again.

If it is true love, a trip will not matter, if it is the right opportunity, it will be presented again. Do what feels right and cultivates a seed for happiness in your future.

Then there is the girl who is scared of going to grad school because of money. After many years of debating on a major life investment, she took the leap to apply. Planning on going she begins to deeply doubt herself as the time to attend comes. Knowing that she needs to do this the only thing holding her back is the fear of being poor for the majority of her life.

Each day she awakens, she writes 5 truths she knows about herself. She imagines her journey ahead of her, noticing the now, the future and the end. Each day the story and her truth changes, but one this stays consistent, her aspiration to help others so she knows it will all be worth it.

After visualizing, she breathes.

Breathing in, I know my true path.

Breathing out, I know this journey is my truest path.

Breathing in, I accept my path with gratitude.

Breathing out, I am confident in myself.

If all else fails, remember: its never too late to re-do your future <3.

Unbound from societies constructs, I set my spirit free.

“In the most ordinary terms, egolessness is a flexible identity. It manifests as inquisitiveness, as adaptability as humor, as playfulness. It is our capacity to relax with not knowing, not figuring everything out, with not being at all sure about who we are, or who anyone else is, either. Every moment is unique, unknown, completely fresh. For a warrior-in-training egolessness is a cause of joy rather than a cause of fear.”

This statement by Pema could not be truer. For the longest time, I had a strong fear of being poor. After graduating university, I was not allowed back home and quickly joined the workforce. I did not want to starve and had to prove to my family I was capable of anything. Finding success made me feel good only temporarily, no one ever expected me to survive yet alone thrive in Orange County, but I did. Deep inside I knew this was not who I wanted to be, I thought moving around would be the cure, but the fear of being irrelevant continued to bight me.

One day I sat down with myself if I genuinely wanted to be happy I needed to follow my true path exactly. I needed to give out this act of security and carry out my truest intention.

I left my well paying corporate job to dive thousands of dollars into “creative debt” (thank you Kanye for the term)ollow my passion for helping others, to finally begin to attain my license to become a therapist. I left my corporate job which allowed me to pay my rent in San Francisco to become a yoga teacher. I left my corporate job which allowed me to buy material things that made me appear to be successful to clean houses in Tahoe for the summer before school.

I left my well paying job so that my heart could actually smile because it was living its authentic path. I left my lucrative career so my spirit could live to its highest potential.

There is no fear inside of me only joy for what is to come. To some, this is an odd way to think and people ask “how will you survive?”. I laugh because I know myself. Never turning down work that is given to me is how I live and if that is the only exclamation a person can give when you tell them you are following your soul’s path, its obvious to me there need to be more spirits in this world set free.

I breathe.

We are so confined by society and what we should do or be. Why? Why have we struggled with this?

I believe that the day I decided that my spirit was worth more than cookies cut from societies stone cake was the day I set myself free.

If I want to light my own candle, bake my own cake and sing my own song, I must listen to myself exactly and live exactly according to my voice and rejoice in its perfect song.

Go for a walk

The other day at yoga school, I decided to go outside and take a walk in the beautiful sunshine. I passed by this home when I saw this beautiful bed of flowers, my heart flourished. As I admired the flowers, I heard birds signing and children playing. It had been so long that I had walked alone, without distraction of my phone, friends or thoughts that I found this clarity.

My heart smiled at me. I truly had missed this.

This is life.

When I returned to the studio, it was difficult for another student to imagine a day with out television. To me an hour of television is an hour of not thinking.

I thought, this is dieing.

My heart cringed for his, thinking of the happiness the outdoors could bring him.

Someday, it will happen.1.jpg

Family

Yes, the ones who drive you up the walls crazy. When you have that feeling of them making you nuts, I have learned, that its love. Family, each of us has our quirks but we come together to spend with one another and celebrate a beautiful life we have each created.

This past weekend, everything I had missed while leaving in other parts of California was right before me. My family celebrating life for no real reason except for a religious holiday none of actually identify with. We spent the whole day catching up with one another. My beautiful cousins who are more life sisters at this point are struggling to make their next step in life. Their mother & my aunt a wonderful perfectionist seemed to be more worried than them was present, along with my mother, her boyfriend, my father and sister. What a site it was.

Each of us with our own quirks, in one house together drinking and having a good laugh. This moment I never once imagined. We have been through so much, each and everyone one of us. We were all together, smiling and having fun.

Later that evening I had an intense feeling of belonging. Yes, this is my family and I belong with them, I know this.

But sometimes you are distracted by outside things, like work, boyfriends, friends or even because of alcohol. I have found myself in the past unable to connect with my family because of these stressors. I think I am at this point out of maturity, and something that is odd for me to say. I have always thought I was mature, that in fact was much a lie I told myself.

I feel as if I have started over from scratch. I can now approach my family with a smile on my face. I have no significant other but if I did, he would not take away from my family time. If I drank, I would not drink to the point of being sick, because enjoying my family is that important to me. Finally, if your work is so stressful where you cannot enjoy your family time, run- run as fast as you can from that company & find a new passion. I know I did.

Purusha Yoga Teacher Training

This weekend I began my journey of becoming a yoga teacher. What a wonderful experience! As I write this my eyes are heavy, my heart is whole and I am filled with love, knowledge and excitement.

We began by introducing ourselves and our intentions of this course. I chose to set my intention as growth. I thought of this deeply because there is so many areas of my life I would like to prosper. Socially, economically, fundamentally and personally growing for the better. Joy, PJ, Eric and Laxman have all expressed that the teacher training will teach you so much about yourself & I believe it already.

With only 16 hours of guidance under my belt I am beginning to learn a lot about myself. I am a very egocentric person in my outward expression. I think this is because I am quick to speak and slow to think.

Expressing my ego is something I would like to shut down almost completely, this is my goal. Mindful speaking can help be increase and grow my knowledge by allowing others to say things that I most likely haven’t heard or opens a conversation. By having a conversation, I am able to grow friends and by growing friends I will be happy which will help me be happier at work causing me to grow economically. Once I have grown enough I have set my vision at getting into Naropa’s graduate program.

Through the teacher training, I will be able to understand myself more so that I am prepared for the next journey of mine in life.

Now, SANSKIRT – what the heck is this? I am terrible at reading it aloud but through chanting and matra’s we are able to grasp a better understanding of the pronunciation. We open each session or day with three Om’s (the sound of the earth) and then say Shanti (for peace) I really like this part of the practice and provides a ritual and really prepares me for deep meditation.

I have been doing a lot of meditation in the past but I really feel a deeper thought flow during the last sittings through the guidance of the Purusha teachers, I hope I can be like them: inspirational mediation guides.

The word sorry.

Listen for the word sorry today. It is so weird, we use the word sorry for the most minimal actions, actions that are often out of our control. We have used this precious word to the point where it is a regular part of our vocabulary.

Think back to a time when you were actually sorry. Like to when your heart hurt so terribly it felt as if it was bleeding. 

Makes you think about a moment that often times makes you cringe.

Often times when you give a sincere apology, saying the words I am sorry do not change the opinions of others. So you either change your action and work toward others approval or keep on keeping on, depending on how sorry you actually are.

The other day a woman said that she was “so sorry for me being wet” (because of the rain). “Funny”, I thought in my head and quickly replied “it’s not your fault. She said, “I know but I feel bad”. Well then, I am glad we actually know what you mean know I thought.

I cannot remember the last time I said I was sorry, or apologize for my actions. I have turned into Madonnas Unapologetic Bitch. I have no real reason to apologize. I, through my actions, are working towards a greater apology. An apology to myself for not setting myself free sooner from my addictions, negative thought processes and unloving lifestyle. My actions are proving, that I am sorry without even saying a word. So yes, to you I may be an unapologetic bitch, and you can be one to me as well, I’ll not only understand, your probably on a journey too; but I will support you.

Apology not accepted.