Category Archives: Uncategorized

I am perplexed by racism.

My cousin is openly racist. I understand that there is something innate in everyone that attracts them to others that look like themselves and run from those who they are unfamiliar with. I get that, I get that sometimes I say things or people do things & I make generalizations. I don’t like this part of me & I try to think differently and pay attention to it.

I am sorry for my thoughts as we are all humans. Sometimes others have different agendas, they can be cruel agendas or loving agendas. When others agendas aim to me, I innately go into fight mode. I judge. I Judge hard. This is racism to me, however, others take it to such a greater.

I hope that someday the world can become a better place through education of our own awareness of our thoughts and thought action. Racism is innate, it is your conscious decision to be a complete barbarian or learn, adapt and become a superior being to understand.

 

The world is changing

After Fridays terrorist attacks in France, I felt a huge shift in the world. For once I feel like people are seeing how there is major evil in the world. I arrived at work on Monday with flowers & memorials all over the entrance to my building. The French Consulate sits on the 7th floor & my company is on the 3rd. There are news crews all over & people coming to pay their respects. It is a harrowing reminder that this is a very real world we live in today.

Since the last major World War technology has changed beyond what we believed to be possible. This will not become a World War, hopefully, it will become nothing. These terrible people want to issue havoc on the Western Culture. Why? Why do others so desperately try to enforce their opinions on one another? Why can’t we live in harmony?

My only thought could be that education is the only catalyst for world peace.

 

I guess that’s just my two cents.

Leanring to make Yoga as a lifestyle

After reading Bikram’s book, I was enlightened to learn many things about yoga. Yoga; in theory is the gateway to the divinity; if this is what you so choose to believe in. There are 4 main types of yoga with 8 limbs. There is Karma, Raja, Bhakti and Jhana. Last night I attended an event a Purusha Yoga Studio in the Outer Richmond where, I for the first time, engaged in a tradition Bhakti yoga.  “This form of yoga includes formal worship, praying and surrender to god. Jesus and Gandi, for example, were bhakti yogis. who showed devotion in every single action of their daily lives.”-Bikram Chaudry.

As an atheist, I am conflicted. But as someone who grew up believing in God, I understand. I think this is an essential practice of out lives. I felt amazing during this experience.

I arrived at the studio at 7:30 exactly, The Kirtaniyas (the band) went on around 8:00. I wasn’t nervous going on this adventure alone. As every time, I ask others to come along they already had plans. Going into this, I thought, it was not a godly experience. That is okay, I am learning to identify that if there is a god, he is within me and we all share him, however, he is still not greater than I.

I myself, am a hedonist who is given enlightenment through practice.

I didn’t speak to anyone, no one spoke to me. That’s okay, I was one of the youngest people there, that’s okay too. I felt strong being there, I felt like I should have talked to the girl who was just as young as me. Hopefully, I will see her again, I think that would be important to make a friend through spiritual experience. She was alone too, maybe we could converse over something great!

I am looking forward to the next experience at Purush. Even with my bum knee, I can’t wait.

Meditations, Revelations & the Law of Change

On my often traveled route to the Bikram Studio to my home, I see an old Apostal church. This beautiful church has a banner that says “Taize Chanting Meditation – Wednesday Evenings, 7:30 PM”. I have been interested in finding meditation groups and ways to connect with my deeper being. As someone who has struggled to identify with God as my savior, I thought this would be an easy, non-religious meditation group.

I was just in time on this cold evening, as I walked into the candle lit church, I was given an agenda. In the middle of the room, I saw a cross covered in candles, surrounded by pillows. I started into a small panic, thinking I had just brought myself to church unintentionally. There were chants and songs I had recognized from my attendance of the Catholic Church as a child. I was reading the agenda and thinking to myself “when should I leave?” I was annoyed. I felt lied to, like false advertisement.

I took a deep breathe & thought of my Grandmother, who loves & enjoys god. I thought of my Mother, who is sick. I remembered that we don’t know what happens when we pass & what I could gain from this experience was not only good Karma for my mother but a balancing of myself in deep reflection.

The women began to sing, in the most beautiful voice ever. I was in pure awe. The readings were insightful, one even saying “let your mind wander, take the juorney you imagine, but be ready for hard work”. Or something along those lines.

Though I still believe in a buddhist view about god, that we each are out own god & are connected by our peices of our own god, maybe the god on the wall is just my homeboy that was humble enough to preach about all of our gods.

At the end after 10 minutes of silent meditions followed by two more chants, it was closed with “Seek ye first”.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and its rightousness; ANd all these things shall be added unto you. Alleluia.

I believe firmly in this. Since each of us our are our own said god, then we need to seek our own righteosness. If we love and respect ourselves, we can loved and respect others. Once those others see the love and respect others give them, they can learn to love and respect themselves, and so on and so fourth.

I guess if we grouped this with the Laws of Change, then man we could really have some world peace.

We must never take our health for granted.

Since I finished the 30-day challenge a lot has changed in my life. Weird because it’s only been a week and a half since I last wrote!

I got a phone call last Thursday, my Mother was letting me know she was getting surgery for a tumor that had metastasized in her sacral area. It was the size of a grapefruit, and when I found out I had a feeling that everything would be okay. My heart silently dropped for her as I knew she would be missing out on an epic ski season. My earliest memories of Mom pushing me down the driveway on my plastic skii’s on whiteout days, or her dragging my sister and I down black diamonds. When I think of adventure sports and snow, it’s synonymous with my Mothers love.

When she came out of surgery the growth was malignant and Jo-Mama was fine only in a lot of pain. A week later I am with some friends doing yoga and when re-injured an old meniscus tear into what is believed to be a bootstrap tear. I drove myself 7 hours from LA to the East Bay, where my Dad took care of me and drove me back to San Fran (seriously, so thankful for my Dad, has always been my best friend, though he is rapidly aging – more on that later). A little while after I went to the Dr. who prescribed an MRI, on my way back home I decided to check on Mother. I could hear the waver in her voice, I asked her how she was, she said “Not good”. She humbly explained that her wounds hadn’t healed and that she had diverticulitis. I broke down (which isn’t usual, only when it’s my Mom or Dad). I couldn’t believe it, the women who has defied most Dr.’s odds & despite knee & other surgeries has never missed a ski season EVER.

We grappled on the phone together & just as she had said when I called her frantically with my knee injury she said, “that’s why we always need to be thankful for our health & never take it for granted”. I know I was abusing my health & over working myself, my Mother, I can’t say she was taking her health for granted but living to the words she was preaching to me.

So as I prepare for potential surgery in the next few weeks I reflect on how I can better live a life of active balance & so I shall!

Bringing consciousness of good health in all the wrong ways

Since I finished the 30-day challenge a lot has changed in my life. Weird because it’s only been a week and a half since I last wrote!

I got a phone call last Thursday, my Mother was letting me know she was getting surgery for a tumor that had metastasized in her sacral area. It was the size of a grapefruit, and when I found out I had a feeling that everything would be okay. My heart silently dropped for her as I knew she would be missing out on an epic ski season. My earliest memories of Mom pushing me down the driveway on my plastic ski’s on whiteout days, or her dragging my sister and I down black diamonds. When I think of adventure sports and snow, it’s synonymous with my Mothers love.

When she came out of surgery the growth was malignant and Jo-Mama was fine only in a lot of pain. A week later I am with some friends doing yoga and when re-injured an old meniscus tear into what is believed to be a bootstrap tear. I drove myself 7 hours from LA to the East Bay, where my Dad took care of me and drove me back to San Fran (seriously, so thankful for my Dad, has always been my best friend, though he is rapidly aging – more on that later). A little while after I went to the Dr. who prescribed an MRI, on my way back home I decided to check on Mother. I could hear the waver in her voice, I asked her how she was, she said “Not good”. She humbly explained that her wounds hadn’t healed and that she had diverticulitis. I broke down (which isn’t usual, only when it’s my Mom or Dad). I couldn’t believe it, the women who has defied most Dr.’s odds & despite knee & other surgeries has never missed a ski season EVER.

We grappled on the phone together & just as she had said when I called her frantically with my knee injury she said, “that’s why we always need to be thankful for our health & never take it for granted”. I know I was abusing my health & over working myself, my Mother, I can’t say she was taking her health for granted but living to the words she was preaching to me.

So as I prepare for potential surgery in the next few weeks I reflect on how I can better live a life of active balance & so I shall!

Day 30 When the lights go down in the studio

Today I completed class holding all poses except for 1 standing triangle to completion. I can’t believe how much stronger I have gotten. It is amazing. As we ended class I started to sing “when the lights go down in the city” in my head & made a nice rendition, which made me smile.

I spoke to my Mother finally. She is doing okay after her recent surgery, she has had fevers and is in and out of consciousness during the days sometimes. She told me that applying to graduate school was irresponsible & that I could not rely on her for money & that I was making a poor decision. Everyone my age says to take the jump and do it. I am going to have to move again which makes me pretty bummed out but excited too. I am not meant for the City life. It has been fun & I am learning so much, I never knew how to take a bus line before or how much work it is to live here. It has been eye opening & I have a new found respect for people who live and love the city. I would rather be in the mountains and fresh air. Defining a career which will allow me to foster this is the most important. My desire to find what makes people tick fuels me to follow my dream. I will work and go to school and be successful. I GOT THIS.

Today I ate:

  • Gluten Free cinnamon bagel
  • apple
  • bagel with shmear
  • beans & hummus
  • 3 gluten free bagels with avocado & miso soups
  • 3 cups of tea

Funny thing:

I am tired of moving & super duper lonely & wish with all my heart I had a significant other who would be delighted to take this adventure with me.

Day 29: The heavy breather

Today I got into my left corner, feeling good after yesterday’s class with Erin I was ready to hit the mat hard. That’s when the heavy breather showed up (yet again) late to class. I am still shocked how others are incapable of being on time EVERY DAY. The heavy breather is an older gent with a good attitude, if he keeps coming maybe he will get his breath under control. I knew I had to go when I hushed him as a breathed into standing triangle posture. I know I should have focused harder on myself & I was but something about the cooler air & his heavy, loud & obnoxious anxiousness of going in and out of postures really fucked with me.

Today I ate:

  • Gluten free cinnamon bagel
  • 3 cups of tea
  • hot chocolate
  • beans & humus
  • noodles & peppers
  • orange juice
  • emergency

Funny thing:

I used my old night guard and my thought is killing me.

Day 27: Did I mention I am coffee free?

Mondays have never been bad in my book. Today I get to sleep in until 7:00 AM and have a relaxing morning, strolling into work around 7:45 AM. Most people seem so bogged down by the weekends ending. I used to be one of those people, my Mother used to say I would cry and cry on Sunday evenings because I didn’t want the weekend to end. I think I want to make my life the weekend, and knowing that I am capable of doing this gives me ease.

Today I ate:

  • Gluten Free raisin bagel
  • 2 cups agave tea
  • sashimi salmon salad
  • 5 small carrots, 3 tomatos
  • 2 sunny side up eggs on salad with veggies

Funny thing:

My co-worker I beleive must have  mental disorder. I often find him talking to himself and doing weird things. Today he came in looking EXTREMELY under rested. As I had a conversation with 2 other people, he jumped in & said “Did you really just say that to me?” I replied; “what?”, “Shut your mouth I am tired of hearing you talk”. I was super confused because I actually didn’t say anything to him, I was talking to two of my other co-workers. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I remind myself of how I want to help others. I think back to the days where I felt disillusioned by others actions & how I was anxiety ridden especially with a lack of sleep. I hope he is not saddened by his disilusions.

Day 26: Sunday FUNDAY

Today I had a bit of a late start after sloshball in the park turned into a DJ party at a friends house. I see myself being more in control when I drink and not taking myself on wild benders/stoopers, this is just what I was hoping for. Before class I went to Dolores Park and hooped and ate food with some friends. I am starting to find a nice routine & balance in my life and yoga is just another part of my life now.

Today I ate:

  • Bread Bowl with clam chowder
  • 3 cups of tea, 1 detox
  • Chili omlet

funny thing: There was a hoop jam that I came up on at Dolo Park & met a groupw of flow artists who I hope I can attend events with!

Day 25: I am back!

This week has flown by and I have had very little time to write. This week was my first week volunteering in the AM at the studio. Darius the owner showed me the ropes of ensuring that the studio is ready for the AM class and the basics of running the studio. My days are going like this now:

  • 5:03 AM – wake up
  • 5:30 AM – Arrive at Studio
  • 7:30 AM -work
  • 6:15 PM – Class
  • 8:30 PM – Home
  • 9:00 PM – Bed

This leaves very little time for writing on here and reflecting, I believe this week will be a bit easier.

I began reading the Bikram book & I am learning so much about yoga. Yogi’s all have Guru’s, mine technically is Bikram and my teachers are Bikram students which as well makes them my Guru as well! There are 8 forms of yoga which I will learn to create a more intimate relationship with. I am excited that I have made it this far in the challenge & can’t wait to see the results. Already I feel like a better more balanced person. My skin is cleaner, my thoughts are more fluid and my muscles feel strong.

Day 18: If I put my mind to it I can do it.

Today I met the studio owner Darius & was given the news I would be volunteering. My hours are 5:45 AM to 7:15 AM Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. This is going to be a lot of work but I want it, I want to go to grad school & I will.

Class today was with Erin & was only an hour, I had a long night and am very tired so I decided to go easy. No full standing postures but I completed the entire class so that’s a positive.

Today I ate:

  • salad, 2 poached eggs & mozzarella cheese
  • 7 potstickers >.<
  • Gluten Free macaroni & cheese with extra cheese
  • Tea

Funny thing:

I realised that the biggest thing that has held me back my entire life is my family. I am scared to tell them that I want to go back to graduate school. I feel like that’s the exact reason why I should. They should be excited for me & I know they will. Pursuing my dreams is what I am about & I feel they know that. When I go to grad school, I am going to die my hair purple, its long been my dream & work & social stigmas have always stopped me from doing so. When I get accepted to grad school, I am dieing my hair.

Day 17: Friday night & the feeling is right

After a long work week, I made my usual 1.6 mile trek to the studio. Listening to my jams and contemplating life. I am content & my mind is mute.

Today I ate:

  • Living greens coconut milk
  • Eatsa salad (if your in SF ever – go here)
  • homemade popcorn
  • yummy fish Mojito from Trader Joes
  • 3 cups tea, 2 cups coffee & a glass of monster & vodka soda

Funny thing:

Ashley & Emily sat in my room until I got ready and went out. I like to go out and be social but every time I go out with Ashley I end up losing her & meeting weird guys, I don’t like it. I want to spend time with men I am attracted to. I have defined that as the following: intelligent, worldly, caring, artistic, outdoor adventurer, unigue.

Day 16: You have been through worse hell

There was a new girl in class today & bless her for she to Andrea’s class for her first time. I have to mentally prepare for Andrea because she is demanding & expects the best from you, I love it, it’s like game day but in Bikram in her class. I got to thinking what I would say to someone who took their first class. I would tell them to no leave the room for they have been through worse hell in their life. I feel like this sparking thought may trigger them to think deeply about past experience throughout yoga and learn to understand that it is okay & there will be a  brighter future. Each class I finish I silently think to myself: I SURVIVED and it is a beautiful feeling.

I’m sore, it’s hard to get into get deep into poses but it is worth it & I am proud.

Today I ate:

  • 1/2 cup granola, 3 spoons yogurt & grapes
  • salad with avo, tomato, carrots & peppers
  • 3 cups of tea, 2 cups coffee
  • Kerry & I made gluten free pumpkin pancakes & eggs for dinner YUM!

Funny thing:

Kerry & I discussed this recent article she had read in Times mag. about a women who recently became sober. She went to the doctor to get birth control. She told the doctor she had not had sex for 2 years & he replied that she was practicing secondary birth control, the first being abstinence. She interpreted this has her beliefs to have changed to practicing abstinence because of her religion. She is recently sober & has never actually had sex for with a man for the first time sober & I identify with her greatly. I am not recently sober but I am practicing balance & consciousness.

I have not had sex in a while & I a so far from the hookup culture it is scary. Friends I know get referred men to have casual sex with & I think to myself, the next person I have sex with I want to marry. I can’t see myself  spending my time with others who are negative energies or are not on the same wavelength. Maybe that is selfish & self-absorbed but I can’t help but think how valuable time & space are. I am excited for my future.

Day 14: If you can dream it you can achieve it

6:00 AM class is like a back to back from Monday night. I slacked & was EXTREMELY sore, but I got through it. Andrea, one of the most rigorous teachers practiced next to me, she had beautiful postures and was a pleasure to observe. Janar the teacher of this class made sure I was not skipping out on poses, though she could tell I was hurting. I completed class and I felt AMAZZZING for the rest of the day.

I got home, spoke with Beth who said I that I really have found my passion in life for helping others & I should reach out and get more information. I then went out on a hoopscaped at the park. It felt great to twist, twirl and vibe to music in the fesh air. I am seeing my life for what it is and making conscious decisions that will not just make me happy for now but for forever.

Today I ate:

  • A Banana, A Carro
  • 3 spoons yogurt, 1/2 peach, 1/2 cup granola
  • beans & rice
  • chips & salsa
  • 1 sweet potato & 3 mushrooms stir fried to perfection
  • 3 cups green tea and ginger

Day 13: Indigo Dreams

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for the week. I have been growing more tired of my current career as a Recruiter, I am good at it but I am missing something. I want to help others and after some thought I think itis ready to take a plunge into getting my Masters Degree in Somatic Psychology.

Work drags, but I get through it. I just have the innate need to want to spread happiness and positivity and move, laugh and talk to others. Slaving on a computer is not conducive to this mindset. To be surrounded by others that is okay with being bogged down and manipulated to make more money is terrifying.

Today I ate:

  • 3 spoons yogurt, 1/2 peach, 1/2 granola
  • Banana
  • 3 cups of green tea & ginger
  • A hearty salad with carrots, cucumber, peppers and spinach as well as arugula with sesame dressing
  • Spinach & miso soup

Funny thing: I decided I am going to graduate school to follow my passion for yoga & self-enlightenment.

Day 12: I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, I have recovered, grown and rebuilt into the person I want to be.

Last night I had the pleasure of visiting my family. I no longer live 400 miles away & am slowly rebuilding my relationship with my family who I wanted so badly to run away from. It really made me reflect and see how much I have forgiven and grown as a person.

After dinner I went out with a friend to a local bar to grab a few drinks and I saw what I had thought to be a ghost of my past. If it wasn’t him it was a person that looked just like him & I was shaken, in one second I was flashed back to memories of my often delusional states fueled by drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.

This gentleman was a friend of many friends and liked by many people, he is a talented artist and can actually ski. About 3 years ago I had a chance to sit and chat with this gentleman & I was royally spinning through Mars. He asked me for my number, I was running off of no sleep in 72 hours, coming down from uppers and extremely stoned. I was unable to respond in a coherent manner. A few months later I decided to take the day off and fade away at the beach with my friends, I was lonely though I was with my boyfriend at the time who always seemed to just like me around as a friend. As the acid hit I fell into a state of numerology & messaged this guy again. Looking back at fucked up Allie, I constantly have questioned – What the fuck was I thinking? How many opportunities for love, friendship and networking have I missed because I just wanted to be broken?

But I am over that mindset. I have learned to let things go more easily & as I embark on this journey of radical amounts of yoga & meditation I have become to accept what is move forward and learn from my mistakes. Long before I started my Bikram challenge, I have been letting go and moving forward. Bikram, however has helped me see how silly I am sometimes.

Though I have taken small amounts of drugs at music festivals but I am nowhere near the bandwagon I was riding before, and really see no reason in the future; even at festivals to use. This is why I think it is important for me to do not only this 30 day challenge but to make a commitment to this lifestyle. If the universe really wanted us to be together we would now or in the future & likewise with others.

Class was AWESOME! Janar is a great teacher, we ended about 15 minutes early but that is okay, because I hit every pose. I fell out of standing bow once on each side but quickly got back into it. Last night was anxiety provoking to me whether it was actually this guy or not & as I dove into full posture bow my thoughts became screams & I felt as if I was screaming in class. I wasn’t but it scared me, when I get like this I need to recent & focus on myself, take a deep breath & get over it, there is nothing I can change about my past.

Today I ate:

  • Gluten free pancakes with berry jam & sunny egg that my wonderful & athletically inspiring friend made me 🙂
  • Spinach Miso soup with mushrooms & peppers
  • I am going to be hungry soon so I need to decide what to make next!

Cool thing:

Walked both to and from the studio today – it is not that scary and I get an extra 40 minutes of music in.

Day 11: If you want to stay cool, go next to the pregnant yogi

I slept in today until about 9:00 AM, made some yummy Jasmine tea and delicious eggs, I thought to myself and wondered about the world. I am feeling tired but know that this next class will be good for me.

I decided to take class in the coolest spot – next to the pregnant lady.Andrea’s class was tough as usual, long holds before getting into full posture I was tired, I did one round of standing head to knee, and completed the rest of class with no hesitation. She is a strong teacher but it is mentally taxing. I hope to overcome this in the next few days.

For the rest of today I get to go out and see my father & I write and reflect I sit in my childhood garden. I really never saw myself becoming a Yogi girl. I am becoming more passionate about my defining lifestyle. From almost always clean eating to practicing more mindfulness I hope to some day make this my life 100%. That is what I have decided.

Today I ate:

  • 2 eggs scrambled with 1/4 avocado, tomato and onion
  • Kombucha from tap – new spot next to the shakti
  • 2 pieces of bacon (with Dad) and 2 eggs with tomatoe & basil for lunc

Funny thing:

I walked from the studio to Bart so I could get home, on the way I travel through the “Tenderloin” AKA bad part of the City & saw a women defecating in public. The sun so nicely hit her toosh and excrements, it made me want to vomit.

Day 10: Heating up on a Friday

Went to my left corner today again, I love that little sanctuary. Today’s class was only 60 minutes so I set my intention to not leave anything on the mat and go 100%. I am really coming into poses, rabbit pose which has long been my favorite I have begun to know what it is to lift your hips up. My arms are straight and tucked, top of head on great, knees to forehead yet I can still get HIGHER, it is awesome.

Today I ate:

  • 3 spoons yogurt, 1/2 peach/ 1/4 cup granola
  • Left over salad
  • 1 piece chicken (my co-worked makes bomb baked chicken)
  • Handful of mixed nuts and berries
  • a banana
  • macha green tea
  • vegan nachos
  • sweet potato fries (homemade)

Funny Thing:

I did my laundry & decided to call my bags full of sweaty clothes, CRACK BAGS 🙂

Day 9: I was once grounded for 6 months I can do 30 days

During pranayama breathing; I felt like I was torturing myself, but in a good way. I remembered being grounded for 6 months after throwing a rager at my house when my parents weren’t home. I just remembered, if I could survive my youth, I could survive 1,200 hours of hot yoga in 110 degre heat like a champ.

Erin is my favorite teacher, maybe its because she is a Bulldog, maybe it’s because she was Psych Graduate too or maybe it is just because she is an experienced teacher. I went through all the pose’s, I have really nailed down standing bow, getting deeper and deeper into it. I am hoping to stick through standing head to knee by the end of next week. The back strengthening series which I am not the fondest of are getting better & more easier to do.

This class I practiced in the far left corner in the front row, it the hottest spot in the room. I LOVE this spot, mostly because it is undistracted & I feel as if I am really in my own world and able to meditate and come out into a darshana thought.

Today I ate:

  • 3 spoons yogurt, 1/2 peach, and 1/4 cup granola
  • 1 cup of mixed nuts and dried berrys
  • Salad, I tried to go to Eatsa – this fastfood organic place but the line was too long so I settled for a make your own salad bowl wich I filled with cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, beans, shredded cheese and spinach drenched in honey mustard and vinnager salad dressing
  • 3 Cups lemon ginger, green tea
  • Splurged on some Greek food and mowed down a falafel

Funny thing:

Rode the bus to work with my jacked on inside out :P.

Day 8: Feel so fresh though

Today I had a full 36 hours to recover from my last class. I feel like a new person & I was able to do all the of the poses. My standing head to knee was easier than usual and I was able to really kick into standing bow. Andrea’s classes are a bit longer, she holds the poses longer and longer and really pushes you into them which is very frustrating at times especially in standing head to knee. I suppose this only makes you stronger both mentally and physically.

My Intention: Every pose from start to finish.

Today I ate:

  • 3 spoonfuls of yogurt, 1/4 cup of granola, 1/2 peach
  • rice and 1 egg
  • Spicy coconut salmon soup
  • 3 cups of lemon & ginger tea

Tid Bits:

I am feeling refreshed like a new person but insanely sore from doing squats and sit ups!