Author Archives: Allie

Day 17 – GIVING

The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To put our wishing love into practice.

We first think: “All these mother living beings are seeking happiness in life after life. They all want to be happy but there is no real happiness anywhere in samsara. I will now give them the supreme happiness of permanent inner peace.”

We then imagine that through the power of our pure intention of wishing love and great accumulation of merit, our body transforms into the nature of a wish fulfilling jewel, which has the power to fulfill the wishes of each and every living being. Infinite light rays radiate from our body and pervade the entire universe, reaching the body and minds of all living beings and bestowing upon them the supreme happiness of permanent inner peace. We strongly believe that all living beings experience this inner peace.

Object of meditation: The strong belief that all living beings experience this inner peace.


This meditation holds depths for me. It is similar to my life dream that I often repeat to myself when I am clarifying my intentions for this life.

I dream that I can be successful enough to give my time to other beings. I can give my life without fear or being homeless or poor and share with others the gifts of the world.


The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To gain the actual power to bestow pure happiness upon all living beings.

These living beings wish to be happy all the time but they do not know how to fulfill this wish. The happiness they experience from worldly enjoyments is not real happiness – it is just changing suffering, a temporary reduction of previous manifest suffering. None of these countless living beings experiences real and everlasting happiness.

Object of meditation: Generate and hold the strong wish that all living beings experience real and everlasting happiness.


I have a strong wish that all living beings experience true and lasting happiness deep within themselves.

Day 15- TAKING

The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To purify our mind of self-cherishing and negative actions, to accumulate great merit, and, in particular, to strengthen our compassionate activities.

We begin by generating the superior intention: “I myself will liberate all living beings from their suffering.” Motivated by this superior intention we pray: “May all the suffering, obstacles, and fear of every living being ripen upon me, and may they thereby be freed from all problems.” We then strongly believe that the suffering, fears, and obstacles of all living beings gather in the aspect of black smoke, which dissolves into our heart, destroying our self cherishing and freeing all living beings from their suffering.

Object of meditation: The strong belief that the suffering, fears and obstacles of all living beings gather in the aspect of black smoke, which dissolves into our heart, destroying our self cherishing and freeing all living beings from their suffering.


This is something that I can get on board with. To take others fears, sufferings and obstacles and show them that it is all black smoke. While in the past, the smoke has been hard for me to see through, as I continue to deepen my practice, black smoke is merely air.

As I find this to be more true, I find a strong belief that all others sufferings can be destroyed through giving loving kindness and compassion.


The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To generate a mind that sincerely wishes to liberate all living beings from suffering.

I cannot bear the suffering of these countless mother beings. Trapped in the prison of samsara, they have to experience again and again, in life after life, endlessly, the immense sufferings of birth, sickness, ageing, and death, having to part with what they like, having to encounter what they do not like, and failing to satisfy their desires.

Object of meditation: Generate strong wish to release all living beings from contaminated rebirth and suffering.


In many ways it is hard for me to agree with this. While I would like everyone to have a beautiful life now and forever, to look at others actions and to judge them in a way to say they will or will not have a contaminated rebirth and suffering is outside of my scope of beliefs. I hold to say, “They will overcome their weaknesses to find true happiness”


The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To exchange the object of our cherishing from ourself to others.

Since beginningless time, in life after life, I have been a slave to my self-cherishing mind. I have trusted it implicitly and obeyed its every command, believing that the way to solve my problems and find happiness is to put myself before everyone else. I have worked so hard for so long for my own sake, but what do I have to show for it? Have I solved all my problems and found the lasting happiness I desire? No. It is clear that pursuing my own selfish interests has deceived me. After having indulged my self-cherishing for so many lives now is the time to realise that it simply does not work. Now is the time to switch the object of my cherishing from myself to all living beings.

Make the strong determination: “I must abandon self-cherishing and cherish only others.”


I am happy for you.

My heart is happy for you.

My spirit is happy for you.




Prior to reading this meditation, I read this prayer aloud a few times. I enjoy it because it does not mention the word god. God in my world describes the universal unknown. While some choose to say he walked this earth, I still have my doubts which is why I like alternative words for the greater not narrowing life to one creator.



The path begins with strong reliance
On my kind Teacher, source of all good;
O Bless me with this understanding
To follow him with great devotion.

This human life with all its freedoms,
Extremely rare, with so much meaning;
O Bless me with this understanding
All day and night to seize its essence.

My body, like a water bubble,
Decays and dies so very quickly;
After death come results of karma,
Just like the shadow of a body.

With this firm knowledge and remembrance
Bless me to be extremely cautious,
Always avoiding harmful actions
And gathering abundant virtue.

Samsara’s pleasures are deceptive,
Give no contentment, only torment;
So please bless me to strive sincerely
To gain the bliss of perfect freedom.

O Bless me so that from this pure thought
Come mindfulness and greatest caution,
To keep as my essential practice
The doctrine’s root, the Pratimoksha.

Just like myself all my kind mothers
Are drowning in samsara’s ocean;
O So that I may soon release them,
Bless me to train in bodhichitta.

But I cannot become a Buddha
By this alone without three ethics;
So bless me with the strength to practise
The Bodhisattva’s ordination.

By pacifying my distractions
And analyzing perfect meanings,
Bless me to quickly gain the union
Of special insight and quiescence.

When I become a pure container
Through common paths, bless me to enter
The essence practice of good fortune,
The supreme vehicle, Vajrayana.

The two attainments both depend on
My sacred vows and my commitments;
Bless me to understand this clearly
And keep them at the cost of my life.

By constant practice in four sessions,
The way explained by holy Teachers,
O Bless me to gain both the stages,
Which are the essence of the Tantras.

May those who guide me on the good path,
And my companions all have long lives;
Bless me to pacify completely
All obstacles, outer and inner.

May I always find perfect Teachers,
And take delight in holy Dharma,
Accomplish all grounds and paths swiftly,
And gain the state of Vajradhara.


The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To remember the many faults and disadvantages of self-cherishing.

Nothing causes me greater harm than the demon of my self-cherishing. It is the source of all my negativity, misfortune, problems and suffering.

Make the strong determination: “I must abandon my self-cherishing.”


This statement I really enjoy. Deep into reflection I feel it to be supremely true. When I look at the times I have been the most distressed many of the times have been because of my own self-cherishing or others self-cherishing.

Self-cherishing is greed.

While a good amount of self-cherishing is healthy by accepting, acknowledging and celebrating that your body is a temple. Too much can only cause great pain.

The first and best lesson my father taught me when running sprints was to never look at the guy behind you.

I never really understood why he said this but when I ran sprint I never dared take a peek behind me. Any inclining of doubt in what someone may have that I did not, I knew was not good for me. So as I progressed through out my life, I learned to pay no attention to what others were doing. Because of this others find me to be EXTREMELY competitive, inside when I hear this I laugh. Most people see all that they desire in those who have mastered this skill undeniably, not knowing what they want is to not see themselves as a value. Knowing that I am no more or no less than others only makes me my truest self. In some ways, this can be seen as extreme self-cherishing. But here is the way I see it.

Sally has a nice car, a nice house, and a killer body.

Ren has a car, a house, and a body.

Ren meets Sally, the entire time Ren is with Sally she looks at herself and say’s “I want what she has”. So Ren works tirelessly, each day she works to get what Sally has, each day she looks in the mirror telling herself she is not good enough because Sally has it all. Each day she is instilling negativity, doubt, and suffering deep within herself.

When Ren finally attains what Sally has, she will no longer be capable of having inner peace because of the long installation of negativity, doubt, and suffering.



The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To remember the many benefits and advantages of cherishing others.

The precious mind that cherishes all living beings protects both myself and others from suffering brings happiness and fulfils our wishes.

Make the strong determination: “I must always cherish all living beings.”


This can often be hard to remember always. We get in a rush, we get upset at other simple mistakes. We forget to put ourselves in others shoes. We forget that all beings could have been our mother. But if we take a deep breath and say, I must cherish all living beings. Carrying this mantra throughout my day.



The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To share our feeling of cherishing so that we come to cherish ourself and all living beings equally.

I will cherish myself and others equally because:

1. All living beings have shown me great kindness in both this and previous lives.

2. Just as I wish to be free from suffering and experience only happiness, so do all other beings. In this respect, I am no different from any other being; we are all equal.

3. I am only one, while others are countless, so how can I cherish myself alone while I neglect to cherish others? My happiness and suffering are insignificant when compared with the happiness and suffering of all other living beings.

Object of meditation: Generate and hold a strong feeling of cherishing all living beings equally.


I am a part of a large world with many others just like me. I will cherish others so others can cherish me.



The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To enhance our affectionate love for all living beings

Since it is impossible to find a beginning to my mental continuum, it follows that I have taken countless rebirths in the past. And if I have had countless rebirths, I must have had countless mothers. Where are these mothers now? They are all the living beings alive today.

Object of meditation: The recognition that all living beings are our mothers.


I find this statement to hold heavy weight. Not only are we mothers in past lives but we are mothers of our own actions, thoughts, and current life.  Every moment we live is an opportunity to birth a moment of beauty. We make a conscious choice to create something wonderful or kill our unborn happiness when we live in a state of unconsciousness or are un-intentional with our own actions.



The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To develop the realization of renunciation – the spontaneous wish to attain liberation from samsara.

Unless I attain liberation from samsara – the cycle of contaminated rebirth – I shall have to experience again and again, in life after life, endlessly, the sufferings of birth, sickness, ageing and death, having to part with what I like, having to encounter what I do not like, and failing to satisfy my desires.

Make the strong determination: “I must abandon samsara and attain the supreme inner peace of liberation.”



How do I abandon samsara I deeply ponder.

Be a good person.

I will be liberated.



Prayer of seven limbs

With my body, speech and mind, humbly I prostate,

And make offerings both set out and imagined.

I confess my wrong deeds from all time,

And rejoice in virtues of all.

Please stay until samsara ceases,

And turn the wheel of Dharma fo us.

I dedicate all virtues to enlightenment.


The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To encourage us to purify non-virtues and to accumulate virtues that cause us to take human rebirth.

If I purify all my non-virtues, there will be no basis for me to take lower rebirth. By accumulating virtue, I shall take a human rebirth possessing freedoms and endowments in future lives. Thus, I can make progress along the path to enlightenment continually, life after life.

Make the strong determination: “I must purify all my non-virtue by sincerely engaging in the practice of confession, and I must put great effort into accumulating virtue.”


Be a good person.

This is what speaks to me after deep meditation. I remember living in San Francisco and having actions that did not feel like me. Inside I felt as if I was zinging, living at lightning fast speed, unable to control my surroundings; my actions were non-intentional and I often found myself saying or doing things that were harsh to others.

This to me in living non-virtuously. Affecting the ones in my world by thinking I am something better or of higher value, I can just walk all over my neighbor. Understanding that people make mistakes, slowing down and seeing the world for what it is. Whether this statement is true or not, I will believe in it because it will help me live sincerely and put more effort into gaining virtue.

Buddha said that human rebirth comes from the practice of moral discipline, wealth comes from giving, a beautiful body comes from patience, the fulfilment of spiritual wishes comes from making effort in our Dharma study and practice, inner peace comes from concentration and liberation comes from wisdom.

I like this statement because it is tangeable now and just superficial enough to affect my thoughts deeply. I have a great desire to fulfil my life spiritually, to have a healthy body, to find inner peace and concentrate. So I will take these notes and live patiently, with dicipline, by giving to others, to study and practice and find wisdom within.


To make my life and the life of others around me beautiful, I will be a good and patient person, all else will follow.


Meditation 4- Refuge Practice

Going for refuge 

I and all sentient beings, until we achieve enlightenment,

Go for refuge to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.

The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To enable us to attain permanent liberation from lower rebirth

Through receiving Buddha’s blessings and help from the Sangha, I shall accomplish profound Dharma realizations. Through this, I shall attain permanent liberation from lower rebirth.

Make the strong determination: “I must rely upon Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha as my ultimate refuge.”


It is hard for me to have such a strong determination. Deep inside of me I do not admit that there is a higher one power that can save me from all my mistakes. There is something higher that I seek a relationship with, we all have our person, Jesus, Buddha or the knowledge of the seed of life. So I begin to re-rationalize what this may actually mean to me. I do seek refuge in Buddha, that is what meditation is. Deep inside meditation I speak with my true self, my true self-speaks through me. The more I meditate, the more likely I am able to reach my true self for longer and longer periods of time throughout my daily life. I become more intentional. Buddha is just a man assisting me to seek refuge in my love for universal knowledge.

I am a devout human to the earth.

This phrase of relying on Buddha (the one), Dharma (acts of divinity) and Sangha (assistants of Buddha); is hard for me to swallow. I rely on me, my divine soul. To be tethered to one thought that this one celestial being will save me from living in a lower house, I am lost.

But I remember, I am a devout human to the earth and universe.

I will seek refuge in beliefs in something higher than me. My soul, your soul, our soul, that is what Buddha is right?

If I am a devout human to this earth, Buddha, Dharma and his buddies Sangha will assist me in attaining dharma realizations.

One like this: I am a devout human to the earth, universe, and universes unknown.


Prior to beginning my meditation, I repeated this mantra 7 times.

I and all sentient beings, until we achieve enlightenment,

Go for refuge  to Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.

The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To encourage us to seek protection from the dangers of lower rebirth.

When the oil of an oil lamp I exhausted, the flame goes out because the flame is produced from the oil; but when our body dies, our consciousness is not extinguished, because consciousness is not produced from the body. When we die, our mind has to leave this present body, which is just a temporary abode, and find another body, rather like a bird leaving one nest to fly to another. Our mind has no freedom to remain and no choice about where to go. We are blown to the place of our next rebirth by the winds of our karma. If the karma that ripens at our death time is negative, we shall definitely take a lower rebirth. Heavy negative karma causes rebirth in hell, less negative karma causes rebirth as a hungry spirit, and the least negative karma causes rebirth as an animal.

It is very easy to commit heavy negative karma. For example, simply by swatting a mosquito out of anger we create the causes to be reborn in hell. Throughout this and all of our countless previous lives, we have committed many heavy negative actions. Unless we have already purified these actions by practicing sincere confession, their potentialities remain in our mental continuum, and any one of the negative potentialities could ripen when we die. Bearing this in mind, we should ask ourself: “If I die today, where shall I be tomorrow? It is quite possible that I shall find myself in the animal realm, among the hungry spirits, or in hell. If someone were to call me a stupid cow today, I would find it difficult to bear, but what shall I do if I should actually become a cow, a pig or a fish?”

Generate a strong fear of taking rebirth in the lower realms. This feeling is the object of our meditation.


If I die today, where shall I be tomorrow?

I repeat to myself over and over. Thinking of times I have mistakingly hurt animals or living beings. I am currently seeking refuge in Buddha to overcome mistakes I have made. I am admitting to my wrong doing and seeing that in the future to handle interactions with more grace. The spider that crawls across the wall will be put into a cup and placed outside, not smothered to death. Who knows what happens when we die, I am unsure where my beliefs lie but being a good person to all beings is important. I know my energies will come back to me in this lifetime and in future lives.

What will happen if I actually become a cow, a fish or a pig?

I hope I spawn and be sacrificed for human consumption so that I can be delighted in and graciously die. I can serve my purpose in life and hopefully return to becoming a human so that I can live a more sacred life. So that again I can return to live a more devoted life, free of such damaging mistakes I had made before seeking refuge and denying a higher power.

If I die tomorrow, where will I be?

It is my aim to be enlightened, for every lifetime of mine, to experience living/dying with my soulmate. To truly know and deeply understand what it is to live. To share the intimate experience of creating a life and growing it to become someone we deeply care about and who deeply cares about the world as it is. So when as they develop their own beliefs they will know what it is  not to live in fear of becoming a cow, fish or pig.


I’m blowing out my last breath as I write this, smiling to my innerself.

I am finding loser attachment to what is.

Meditation 2 – Death and Impermanence

Prior to beginning this contemplation for meditation, I followed my breath, unchanged, just experiencing what it was like to be alive. In my mind I repeated this:

My breath is life

Everything I project comes to light

My inhale is precious

My exhale is precious

My intake of the world, energies, and beings around me are equally as important as the breath I exhale, the thoughts I project and the actions I create.

I then began the following meditation

The following meditation is from The New Meditation Handbook, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso


Purpose: To eliminate the laziness of attachment, the main obstacle to practicing Dharma purely.

I shall definitely die. There is no way to prevent my body from finally decaying. Day by day, moment by moment, my life is slipping away. I have no idea when I shall die; the time of death is completely uncertain. Many young people die before their parents, some die the moment they are born – there is no certainty in this world. Furthermore, there are many causes of untimely death. The lives of many strong and healthy people are destroyed by accidents. There is no guarantee I shall not die today.

Repeat: “I may die today. I may die today. I may die today.”
Conclusion and determination: “Since I shall soon have to depart from this world, there is no sense in my becoming attached to the things of this life. Instead, I will devote my whole life to the practice of Dharma.”


If we lose attachment to the things we find pleasure in, what is the point of living? This part of Buddhism I find very hard to see the light in. In the Buddhist tradition, we wait are whole life to die, releasing from the attachment of life and its pleasures only makes our death more painless.

Every aspect of life I love deeply. From tragic childhood experiences to dancing to my favorite songs with friends, life is precious. I choose to acknowledge life, that each day I live may be my last. I choose to acknowledge that if today were my last, I lived it according to my inner desire. I make each decision of this waking life knowing that today may be my last, and if this is fact, I am doing everything I can to live in a way that would make my soul dance.

Not every day of my life did I see this way. My thoughts, desires, and actions were clouded. I was young but that is no excuse. I would waiver over being good to myself and soul and tragically depleting it of all its worth. But what was the point of being so perfect all the time? I’m here to live not wait for death.

I can live more fully when I am conscious of every moment, action and decision.

So as I grow into DEATH each day I choose to DIE gracefully and with honor and respect to my eternal soul.

So as I grow into LIFE each day I choose to LIVE gracefully and with honor and respect to my eternal soul.

After this meditation and reflection, I spoke with a family friend of mine. She said a great way to remember this fact was by each time you blow out a candle, think “this is my last breath”.  Yes, this would be my mantra for the rest of the day.

Meditation 1 – Our precious human life

Generating bodhicitta 

Through the virtues, I collected by giving and other perfections,

May I become a buddha for the benefit of all.

Repeat three times

To me, bodhicitta means to be a peacekeeper and spreader of positivity and happiness. I enjoy cultivating these seeds in myself and within my community, I aim to create I a better world that is.

Our precious human life

A quick quote from the contemplation is “If we use our human life to accomplish spiritual realizations, it becomes immensely meaningful”. The main purpose of this meditation is to encourage ourselves to practice dharma daily.

I then read this lamrim as a point to begin my meditation on. Soon after I found a single point of realization and began to meditate deeply.

Our human life is precious, rare and immensely meaningful. Due to their previous deluded views that denied the importance of spiritual practice, those who have taken rebirth as animals, for example, now have no opportunity to understand or practice Dharma. Since it is impossible for them to listen to, contemplate or practice Dharma, their present animal rebirth is itself an obstacle. Only human beings are free from such obstacles and have all the necessary conditions for engaging in spiritual paths, which alone lead to everlasting happiness. This combination of freedom and possession of necessary conditions is the special characteristic that makes our human life so precious.

Although there are many human beings in this world, each one of us has only one life. Each person may own many cars and houses, but even the richest person in the world cannot possess more than one life; and, when that is drawing to an end, he or she cannot buy, borrow or manufacture another. When we lose this life, it will be very difficult to find another similarly qualified human life in the future. Therefore, for each of us, a human life is very rare.

If we use our human life to accomplish spiritual realizations, it becomes immensely meaningful. By using it in this way, we actualize our full potential and progress from the state of an ordinary, ignorant being to that of a fully enlightened being, the highest of all beings; and when we have done this, we shall have the power to benefit all living beings without exception. Thus by using our life for gaining spiritual realizations, we can solve all our human problems and fulfill all our own and others’ wishes. What could be more meaningful than this?

As I dove into contemplation I flashed back living in San Francisco when I was driving with a dangerous and angry cab driver, I remember as we faintly avoided and oncoming car exclaiming “life is fragile”.

It is.

It really is.

After that moment, I began to see the world in a different lens that I had never experienced before. This meditation brings to light experiences like these, its your spirit telling you to sit up and live.

This life is precious, it is fragile and should be handled with care. We can care for ourselves, the people around us and the world we walk on. If our human life is precious all aspects of it should be treated with respect and care. Knowing who you are, what you stand for and where you are going are equally as important to how you fuel your light. The energies you surround yourself with, the food your place inside of you to the high-risk behaviors you may engage in. Sometimes people are born knowing this, others like myself need to learn this through trial and error.

I am thankful for this, I know how precious life can be. I am thankful for my good health I will use it to help others. I am thankful for my smile and the smile for those that I love, for we are alive!

Our human life is precious, rare and immensely meaningful.

It is.

It really is.

21 days of meditation – How I shine my light

There are many different ways to devote yourself to living. In my experience I there are so many different beliefs and to me, none of them are wrong. My life is a culmination of various religion, I have thirst; to connect with the unknown and  so I continue to create myself into a devoted human to the earth through various tools. I am a spiritual person who wishes to engage and learn about the various thoughts and beliefs to construct my own.

So on my path of becoming a better person for this world, I have decided to meditate on the 21 meditations of  the Buddha dharma. There are many principles which fall into the Buddhist construct such as Samsara, the fact that the mind is endless (karma/reincarnation) and that our thoughts can be controlled by ourselves.

In the Buddhist belief, this will bring me from an ordinary small being to that of a special small being and then a middling beings a great being and then an enlightened being. “These 21 meditation’s is the actual method for making this progress”(The New Mediation Handbook).

By doing so I hope to increase my personal vitality, to emanate happiness and finding calming peace inside of me. Each day I will recite a prayer to protect and connect me with higher senses, I will then read a contemplation and begin my meditation.

I invite you to follow along my journey of enlightenment by following along!

Feelings deeper than the ocean.

I have never been capable of feeling as deeply as I do now.

This yoga stuff, it really does work. I have managed to learn how to feel again. Today in class I completely broke down. My dreams are my reality. I have said to myself over and over again, someday I will not work behind a computer. Someday, I will get to live again among the big trees. Someday, I will be free and yoga will be my life. My life I have aspired is right at my finger tips. I move forward with a sense of fear that I will have no money to move to Boulder with, I know this is my ego speaking. I have never not been capable of making money. I cry because everything I have dreamed of, I have also feared. That is why they are my dreams and not my reality. But now my dreams are my reality and I am living in a surreal moment, its hard to take in.

As if I should be ashamed of all that I have accomplished. Everything I am proud of, it is not to brag about. But, it is.

I am accomplishing my dreams and the dreams of many others by being fearless. Taking strides into the unknown with a face of determination. I know I can do this.

I know five years ago, I never would have been able to take these strides now. I was incapable of feeling. I cried and things hurt me, but it hurt my ego. I can now easily see the things that hurt my ego and things that hurt my heart, the ego protected by changing me for who I was.

My ego is still her, but true self, my purusa is stronger.

I experience life with a greater understanding with a sense of holding my heart in my hand and a light beaming about my head. Open to experience and feel emotions more easily. Some days it is draining, others it is invigorating, eventually I will become stronger with this and it will just be who I am, taking no energy at all.

To feel what genuine emotion or samadhi is, is some indescribable. There is not angst, anger or excitement. Its something inside you that is breaking open, it is bliss for the here and now is everything you have aspired for and all you have to do is breathe and be.

Don’t be a p*ssy

Yesterday I went to my first Bikram class since wrecking my Meniscus. I don’t know why I was so scared of going. My knee is pretty messed up, but Bikram is my happier place, I should have gone back sooner, I realised this half way through class.


I began class struggling through standing breathing exercises since locking my right knee is impossible. I then went into side bending postures beginning on my knees, which really tweaked my back, so I stood for the second go around & was able to get into the full position on both right and left. Backbending and forward bending were moderately simple as well. As I pushed through, the standing series including 6 sets of chair pose because going up onto my toes is also impossible, I used the chair for standing head to knee. For the bow, I did a deep lounge & reached/leaned as far back as possible to get the similar kick pull motion.


As we went into triangle postures, I thought to myself, “Don’t be a pussy”. I know, novel, right? But seriously, there are much worse things I could have going on than just my bum knee. I could have 1 lounge, which would make much of Bikram’s Hatha style class extremely difficult, or no eyes which would be super weird to even begin to connect your body and mind. So I decided, I am not going to be a pussy, I am just going to do it, no excuses. I went into every posture except for full bow. Final savasana, felt like a champ and gimped out of class.


I had a sense of pride, happiness and accomplishment. Something I have not felt since injuring myself. This feeling I will hold onto & strive to achieve again, it is a simple reminder, that if you put your mind to it, you can do it. It’s simple, it takes one courageous note to yourself, a change of mindset and you can do nearly anything. It’s beyond compression and an expressional beauty.


I am perplexed by racism.

My cousin is openly racist. I understand that there is something innate in everyone that attracts them to others that look like themselves and run from those who they are unfamiliar with. I get that, I get that sometimes I say things or people do things & I make generalizations. I don’t like this part of me & I try to think differently and pay attention to it.

I am sorry for my thoughts as we are all humans. Sometimes others have different agendas, they can be cruel agendas or loving agendas. When others agendas aim to me, I innately go into fight mode. I judge. I Judge hard. This is racism to me, however, others take it to such a greater.

I hope that someday the world can become a better place through education of our own awareness of our thoughts and thought action. Racism is innate, it is your conscious decision to be a complete barbarian or learn, adapt and become a superior being to understand.


The world is changing

After Fridays terrorist attacks in France, I felt a huge shift in the world. For once I feel like people are seeing how there is major evil in the world. I arrived at work on Monday with flowers & memorials all over the entrance to my building. The French Consulate sits on the 7th floor & my company is on the 3rd. There are news crews all over & people coming to pay their respects. It is a harrowing reminder that this is a very real world we live in today.

Since the last major World War technology has changed beyond what we believed to be possible. This will not become a World War, hopefully, it will become nothing. These terrible people want to issue havoc on the Western Culture. Why? Why do others so desperately try to enforce their opinions on one another? Why can’t we live in harmony?

My only thought could be that education is the only catalyst for world peace.


I guess that’s just my two cents.

Leanring to make Yoga as a lifestyle

After reading Bikram’s book, I was enlightened to learn many things about yoga. Yoga; in theory is the gateway to the divinity; if this is what you so choose to believe in. There are 4 main types of yoga with 8 limbs. There is Karma, Raja, Bhakti and Jhana. Last night I attended an event a Purusha Yoga Studio in the Outer Richmond where, I for the first time, engaged in a tradition Bhakti yoga.  “This form of yoga includes formal worship, praying and surrender to god. Jesus and Gandi, for example, were bhakti yogis. who showed devotion in every single action of their daily lives.”-Bikram Chaudry.

As an atheist, I am conflicted. But as someone who grew up believing in God, I understand. I think this is an essential practice of out lives. I felt amazing during this experience.

I arrived at the studio at 7:30 exactly, The Kirtaniyas (the band) went on around 8:00. I wasn’t nervous going on this adventure alone. As every time, I ask others to come along they already had plans. Going into this, I thought, it was not a godly experience. That is okay, I am learning to identify that if there is a god, he is within me and we all share him, however, he is still not greater than I.

I myself, am a hedonist who is given enlightenment through practice.

I didn’t speak to anyone, no one spoke to me. That’s okay, I was one of the youngest people there, that’s okay too. I felt strong being there, I felt like I should have talked to the girl who was just as young as me. Hopefully, I will see her again, I think that would be important to make a friend through spiritual experience. She was alone too, maybe we could converse over something great!

I am looking forward to the next experience at Purush. Even with my bum knee, I can’t wait.