Being born in 1990, people were still pretty opposed to adoption. Thankfuly, I never really had to deal with what my birthmother endured. My parents were seen as privledged because they could “afford” to adopt childnren.
First lets define the REAL meaning of adoption.
See, adult adoption often means that your step father or step mother has chosen to identify you as their dependant often times for tax purposes or financial aid use. To me adoption is a child being raised by other members of society who are completly un related. COMPLETE STRANGERS RAISING YOU, if you will.
IN THE MEDIA, I see often times birth families fighting for their child back. And the adopted child does not want to return back to them or are deemed “too young” to make a decision on my own. Let me for a second be the voice of that child’s future for one a moment because this happened to me. No, no camera crews were involved but there were lawyers, my birthfather (a hairstylist in Venice) and his 16 year old pregnant girlfriend and my parents (both established school teachers with Masters Degrees). He claimed he did no want my life to be a science project, because both of my parents were very into psychology.
What in the world was he thinking? If he loved me so much, why wouldn’t he want a life that was not possible with him? Thinking it was okay to take my future life away from me filled with education, stability and nurturing? I had a chance to live in a stable environment. A roof over my head, summers in Tahoe and Hawaii, tutoring, a soccer lessons. I still wonder, why did he not want that for me? My birthmother was so scared he would get custody over me again, because she dreamed of my future too. I was an accident, she knew that. She knew that in order to raise a child properly you had to have your shit together. She was still a student and he was still a playboy. In the media we see these birth families claiming victim as they were originally unfit to care for the child. Who welcomes children into the world without having a stable environment? As a mother and sometimes father, you have 9 months to get your life in order to welcome a child. My most noteable 9 months in my adult life I moved to the central coast, learned how to internally recruit and general staff and landed my job back in San Francisco. So what exactly was he doing for 9 months while I was being built? I’m curious what type of person doesn’t plan for 9 months and expects to magically have a child to care for?
It’s as if he saw my life as a possession and not a journey. When the child is at question, as yourself, who will provide the easiest road to “success”. I was the first family member of my adopted birth fathers family to graduate college with a Bachelors Degree. This would not have been possible if I had lived with him. History repeats itself.
So when we see the media placating the birth families as the victim, DO NOT BE FOOLED. That childs fullest potential is at stake. They do indeed have the capacity to dream and if they can dream they can choose. When I was 7 I knew of my birth family and when I was 11 I even thought it would be better with them. My mother grabbed a suitcase & said that if I thought it was better then pack up and she would drive me back to them.
HEAVY SHIT, RIGHT?
Yea, she was teaching my how to contemplate. No, I don’t want to go live with them, I would have to leave soccer behind, all my friends, my toys, yeah I was not leaving. An appology from myself came soon and so did an explanation of love from my mother.
So when you see adoption in the media, see it as a childs fullest potentail being put at stake. It is a beautiful thing that should never be un-done.