Letting go of self.

During the day long the Sister Ayya spoke about letting go of self. I felt this fitting in my current knee situation. I recently was accepted to get a donor for my meniscus. I was overwhelmed with joy that they chose me to do this procedure, however, I became uneasy when I found out who I would be receiving my parts from. It made me sad to think that I would be receiving my new meniscus from a young person whose life had been cut short. Life is fragile & valuable, it put things into a greater perspective for me. My body will be turned into a living temple tomorrow! What an amazing opportunity, I feel as if I am being given a second chance to live more mindfully and to be more instinct with what my body is telling me before it is too late & I can’t walk.

Sister Ayya articulated “Self is not grabbing, grabbing is self”. She explained that if we were to float down a river just our self we would not grab onto the thickets we would just bob along. Once we grab that becomes self, grasping. She said to look at the things that make us grasp, that is our anxiety, our worries, our doubts, anything that makes us scared. If we look past that we can understand why we are grasping.

I was feeling very nervous this afternoon about my surgery as it is less than 12 hours away & I am not eating. I looked at why I am scared, what I am grasping to. I am scared of dying. Like, going under and never returning, that is the worst that can happen. But then I think to myself, I am content with where I am in life, I have found a direction and if that happens then so be it, I did it right. I have let go and accepted possible outcomes, I am ready, I am happy, I am excited to get healed and take Jane Does’ knee out for a wild ride!

 

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