Day 12: I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, I have recovered, grown and rebuilt into the person I want to be.

Last night I had the pleasure of visiting my family. I no longer live 400 miles away & am slowly rebuilding my relationship with my family who I wanted so badly to run away from. It really made me reflect and see how much I have forgiven and grown as a person.

After dinner I went out with a friend to a local bar to grab a few drinks and I saw what I had thought to be a ghost of my past. If it wasn’t him it was a person that looked just like him & I was shaken, in one second I was flashed back to memories of my often delusional states fueled by drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.

This gentleman was a friend of many friends and liked by many people, he is a talented artist and can actually ski. About 3 years ago I had a chance to sit and chat with this gentleman & I was royally spinning through Mars. He asked me for my number, I was running off of no sleep in 72 hours, coming down from uppers and extremely stoned. I was unable to respond in a coherent manner. A few months later I decided to take the day off and fade away at the beach with my friends, I was lonely though I was with my boyfriend at the time who always seemed to just like me around as a friend. As the acid hit I fell into a state of numerology & messaged this guy again. Looking back at fucked up Allie, I constantly have questioned – What the fuck was I thinking? How many opportunities for love, friendship and networking have I missed because I just wanted to be broken?

But I am over that mindset. I have learned to let things go more easily & as I embark on this journey of radical amounts of yoga & meditation I have become to accept what is move forward and learn from my mistakes. Long before I started my Bikram challenge, I have been letting go and moving forward. Bikram, however has helped me see how silly I am sometimes.

Though I have taken small amounts of drugs at music festivals but I am nowhere near the bandwagon I was riding before, and really see no reason in the future; even at festivals to use. This is why I think it is important for me to do not only this 30 day challenge but to make a commitment to this lifestyle. If the universe really wanted us to be together we would now or in the future & likewise with others.

Class was AWESOME! Janar is a great teacher, we ended about 15 minutes early but that is okay, because I hit every pose. I fell out of standing bow once on each side but quickly got back into it. Last night was anxiety provoking to me whether it was actually this guy or not & as I dove into full posture bow my thoughts became screams & I felt as if I was screaming in class. I wasn’t but it scared me, when I get like this I need to recent & focus on myself, take a deep breath & get over it, there is nothing I can change about my past.

Today I ate:

  • Gluten free pancakes with berry jam & sunny egg that my wonderful & athletically inspiring friend made me 🙂
  • Spinach Miso soup with mushrooms & peppers
  • I am going to be hungry soon so I need to decide what to make next!

Cool thing:

Walked both to and from the studio today – it is not that scary and I get an extra 40 minutes of music in.

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